It's Not Its!

2009

2009-12-31T23:44:00.000-08:00

Work: http://virtualmeetingnetworkbymarriott.com/ (part of http://ciscotelepresencesuites.com)
Run: California International Marathon '09 at 3:59:51
Travel: Sydney, Australia

Looks a little sparse, but more to come in 2010.

Desperation and Stupidity

2009-12-26T23:39:00.000-08:00

This is so stupid it even inspired me to write a blog post.

So there was a terrorist attempt. Thankfully, basically no one was hurt and the plot was foiled. Yay.

Oh wait. No. I forgot the part where things get fucked up.

So supposedly after this terrorist plot, we have to tighten security again. How? Well if you read the rumors of the new rules, it seems like TSA has basically taken a detailed account of how the bombing attempt went and forbid exactly those set of circumstances. Since the terrorist tried to ignite the bomb during the last minutes of the flight while it was landing, everyone must not remain seated and not move around during the last hour of the flight.

First of all, why the fuck stop there? He had explosives strapped to his leg. Why not prohibit passengers from carrying legs on to the plane? Oh, he only had it strapped to one of his legs? OK, then we'll prevent one leg from coming on to the plane. And for added security, we won't tell you which leg we'll allow at which airports so you can't game the system. Also, since the most recent attempt was foiled by a Dutch film director jumping across the aisle to stop the fire, all flights will now have equal numbers of passengers and Dutch film directors. All passengers shall be jumped by said cadre (you tell me the collective noun for Dutch film directors) of directors some time during the last hour of the flight. Phew. Disaster averted.

Second, why are we still playing out this charade? Scanning for explosives and going through metal detectors and x-ray machines at the airport, fine. But there's a shoe bomber and you start checking for shoes. There's a last-minute bomber and you start restricting people from moving about at the last minute. Dear TSA: If the last knee jerk reactionary display of theatrics didn't save you from this latest terrorist attempt, what in the world makes you think another knee jerk reactionary display of theatrics will do the trick?

I know it's not easy preventing terrorist plots. It's probably something on the order of finding a needle in a haystack and then trying to thread that needle by launching it on a crossbow aimed at a thread half a mile away, on horseback, while having sex. Just because it's difficult doesn't mean it helps to just throw some reactionary shit at it and hope that it goes away. I'm thankful there are people trying to keep me safe. I'm thankful that those people care. But making people take off their shoes because there's been a shoe bomber is like telling a murder not to murder, specifically, the person he/she just murdered. Doesn't really address the problem.

California International Marathon 2009

2009-12-09T11:10:00.000-08:00

It's done! 3:59:51. A little off target.

The second half of the training was a little bit more difficult with more runs missed and too much yo-yoing; hitting 16 one week killed the legs, which meant more days of rest, which meant I was less prepared for the 18 next week, which killed the legs more, etc. Still thought I could hold 8:46 pace for 3:50 but that changed...

The biggest factor was probably the cold. With a 27F starting temperature, my whole body was frozen. Significantly, I could feel my right ITB tighten up and refuse to loosen for the first 4-5 miles. Staying with the 3:50 pace group was easy but by mile 7, the right ITB struck. Shooting pains up the ITB had me hobbling more on my left leg because the right would try to collapse every once in a while.

So I pinched my butt. It was like some kind of odd massage for the ITB and it alleviated some of the pains. After figuring that out, I started to try to adjust my gait to compensate for the ITB weakness. By mile 13-14, it seemed my legs had adjusted: no more ITB pain. I knew that the ITB was still blown up but at least it didn't hurt. And I had stayed with the 3:50 group this entire time so I had a glimmer of hope of keeping 3:50.

Then came mile 18. I could tell that all the energy I spent from 7-14 adjusting my gait really took its toll. Still held pace (just) but I knew that I would blow up at 20. And then came 20 and the legs blew up. Both my legs were gone from the gait change so I decided to just hobble along best I could. I had already thought about stopping multiple times but I figured at 20 miles I might as well finish. As I progressed, however, I didn't even know if I would hit 4:00.

So I took my time, jogged slowly, and did lots of mental calculations. At mile 25, I started speeding up again to try to hit sub 4:00. I knew I would probably be within seconds. My entire body started buzzing from lack of oxygen and I couldn't unclench my hands. Fuck it. Speed up more. Finally hit 26 and saw barely 1:40 left till 4:00 by my GPS. FUCK! Speed up more! Screw form, screw how I looked, screw everything, just move the legs! Would I make it?

200 feet from the finish line and I saw 3:59:50 on the watch and I knew I'd make it. Crossed the finish line dead. Glenn was there to tell me I broke 4:00, and Shryh was there to welcome me back to the land of the living.

So am I happy with the result? Not entirely since I knew I could have done a lot better but given the conditions I was satisfied I broke 4:00. 3:50 feels like it's in the bag once I strengthen the ITB a bit and redo the last half of the training. And besides, my last marathon was a 4:41:49 so I can claim a 42 minute PR!

Thanks to Glenn and Brandon for all the training advice and inspiration, Naveen and parents for the place to stay and awesome post-marathon food, Andrew for moral support, and Shryh. Couldn't have done it without you guys!

Not sure what the next Marathon is at this point. Can barely walk. Maybe a 3:50 at Big Sur? A 3:45 at a faster course? All seems doable with just a bit of training. After I hit 3:45 I'll feel like I've reached a milestone. And then three more giant leaps to Boston: 3:30, 3:20, 3:10!

Geek data: http://connect.garmin.com/activity/20224006

Kindle Stuff

2009-10-10T21:45:00.000-07:00

Stanza (the OSX desktop version) conversion from pdf to kindle doesn't always work. Converted the OSX default "About Stacks.pdf" into azw format. Nope. Not sure why. Converting to .MOBI didn't work either.
Sent the same pdf to MYKINDLE@kindle.com and MYKINDLE@free.kindle.com. Don't see the conversion on my kindle or on my computer yet. Weird, been more than 5 minutes.
.MOBI files downloaded from Project Gutenberg work pretty well for the most part but they make the menu (while you're reading a book) grey. Not familiar with the MOBI format but I wonder if it's some kind of style declaration embedded in the Gutenberg .MOBIs that's overriding the Kindle menu styles.
Want manga on your kindle? Go to Mangle. The default Kindle picture viewer is a little unpredictable when it comes to which file/folder it'll choose to read first so this program is a bit of a help. Windows only right now.

Progress Update

2009-09-30T22:39:00.000-07:00

Quick check on where I thought I was a while ago and where I am now.

Type	Pace	BPM	Pace Now	BPM Now
Jog	10:32	Up to 142	Whatevs	Whatevs
Easy	10:05	142-152bpm	9:40	150ish
Slow	9:50	150-160bpm	9:20	158bpm
Steady (Marathon Pace)	8:46	162-173bpm	8:30	165bpm
Brisk (1/2 Marathon Pace)	8:25	179-187bpm	8:07	175bpm
Fast-10K	8:04	185-193bpm	7:45	182bpm
Fast-5K	7:43	193-197bpm	7:17	185bpm
Fast-above-5k	7:27	197-203bpm	???	???

So progress is being made. In other news:

Month	Mileage	Time	Speed	BPM	Elevation Gain	Runs
March	21.69	3:27:45	6.3
April	32.25	5:09:55	6.2		560
May	54.22	9:24:51	5.8		5970
June	31.48	4:49:55	6.5		5360
July	74.99	11:50:43	6.3	164	7798	13
August	68.82	11:27:07	6	162	8115	13
September	118.62	18:15:02	6.5	160	9027	21

The so called "elevation gain" is all bogus though I did do some hills workouts. But nice to see progress on this front as well. From run to run I don't feel any different BPM wise but it's nice to see that's coming down as expected. Should be 30+ miles per week easily from here on out.

Latest fun is this current week. Aiming for 50+ with a 15 miler in the middle. Get myself out of the marathon training groove and get my body used to more mileage. Should be at a solid 40 miles a week or so by marathon time. Have a 1/2 coming up on the 11th. Thinking 8:10 pace for 1:47. And then CIM in December. Still going for 3:48:16!

The Body as a Powertrain

2009-08-22T23:00:00.000-07:00

Been pretty steady with training but not entirely satisfied: I keep on missing 1 workout a week, which has kept me in the high 20s for weekly mileage. Should be closer to mid 30s. So using that as an excuse, I turned today's Easy 4M into another experiment.

Near the beginning of the run, I started thinking about how I always have a pretty high HR on these runs. Wondered if that was just normal or a symptom of something. I know my max HR is higher than normal but that doesn't necessarily mean I have to be running at 180bpm all the time.

I broke it down into components: Air intake, Heart beats, Cadence, Leg power. To use a car analogy, the air intake (manifold, super/turbocharger) can control the specific power output of the engine, assuming a steady stream of gas (which in this case is available ATP). So the more I take in to my lungs, the greater amount of energy my heart can deliver to the rest of my body by enriching the oxygen in my blood a bit more. Cadence and leg power make up the transmission. Assuming equal power, pumping my legs higher/harder gives me greater "torque" while increasing cadence should give me greater speed.

In a modern car, there are electrical systems controlling all of these things and it can optimize the combination of these systems for different characteristics. For distance running, we want decent speed and efficiency, kind of like cruising at highway speeds. Analogously, I thought about how to get my bio-mechanical parts to function efficiently. Also, since I can't actually consciously control my heart rate, I assumed that the heart was sort of like a constant speed engine responding to need. Obviously it goes faster and slower but given a specific power output, the only variable I can alter is air intake to affect power.

So what I really wanted was a CVT. Keep my heart operating at an efficient pace and use transmission to effect acceleration and/or maintain speed. I noticed that I almost always have two-step in-out breathing cycles. Makes sense for higher work but filling and emptying my lungs that fast is wasteful for slow runs. So item 1: either breath more shallowly or slower. I chose to go for slower. Down to 4 steps for breathing in and 4 steps for breathing out.

The slower breathing should mean conservation of power, which should mean a decrease in heart rate. That would also mean a decrease in speed if I didn't change my transmission to a higher gear. So to compensate, I sped up the cadence and decreased power per step, the way decent distance runners do.

That was kind of a long walk for something people do naturally anyway but visceral results always work better for me when I have theoretical analogies in my head. Even applying it as I was thinking about it today made a pretty big difference though. I did a slow 8M about a week ago at 9:28 pace and 168bpm average. Today, the first 4 miles gave me a 9:39 pace and 148bpm. 148bpm! I never have heart rate that low. I then played around with breathing in/out on 3-step cycles, which gave me a 8:51 pace and 164bpm for mile 5. I then stopped thinking and just jogged and came out with a 9:44 pace and 159bpm. This last one was when I wasn't trying to speed up cadence and limit breathing so even though it's the last mile, I think the inefficiency shows. Big upside to this kind of running is that at the end of it, I was back down to 90bpm within a couple of minutes. It's just as fast but a lot easier on the body. Less waste.

Of course, changing my cadence dramatically means there are little bits of my joints and muscles that probably have to catch up. Also maybe my lungs. Goal is to have total freedom of all the controllable variables (air intake through lungs, cadence, and leg power) so that I can vary as needed. Kick down the transmission to power up a hill, kick it back up to cruise, and then pull out all the stops for the negative split.

MacBook Pro impressions continued

2009-08-09T17:43:00.001-07:00

Like:

Useless battery indicator button with the funky green LED lights. I like this now. I put the computer in sleep whenever I'm not using it and it's not plugged in most of the time so it's nice to be able to check battery levels without having to turn on the computer.

Dislike:

Supports dual monitors but only with 3rd party solutions.
No docking station.
Gets hot as hell. Probably not a MacBook Pro only complaint but not a comfortable lap machine when the CPU starts to spike.

So the verdict is, I think, that the Lenovos are still better "mobile workstations" than the MacBook Pro. There's a docking station, there's dual monitor support, it's more comfortable to work on when away from a desk, and it has enterprise security stuff the IT people like (biometric). I just luck out since I mainly work on a desktop that makes a lot of those points moot for me. I actually get to treat the MacBook Pro as a secondary/mobility machine rather than my main.

This was impression mainly based on hardware. Software, it's kind of between six and half a dozen. I'm happy with both OSs though in a corporate environment there's often less overhead to stick with Windows since that's what IT supports. On the other hand, because IT supports it, the windows environment is often a lot more bogged down. If I ever need massive corporate IT support (NEVAIR!), I guess I can always Boot Camp this machine and then I'll just have a very pretty but annoying (hardware wise) Windows machine.

MacBook Pro

2009-08-08T01:04:00.000-07:00

Got a MacBook Pro 15" as the new work laptop. Ooooooh, shiny. Used to be all PC all the time. Then convinced work to get me a Mac Pro desktop. Then I got a hackintosh netbook. Now the work laptop got refreshed to the MacBook Pro. Nice machine overall.

Love:

Design, packaging, owner experience. Sleek. One indisputable advantage of Apple products over most of their PC counterparts.
Browsing web with gestures. One-handed and easy to control navigation for scrolling, forward, and back. Other hand free to do...uhm...whatever, you know, and stuff.
Click-drag. Physical analogy makes a lot of sense. Only place where clicking the entire pad really wins me over.
Enough battery life to make the non-removable battery a moot point for me. Impressive.
Remote control. Not a new MacBook Pro feature but useful when I use the laptop for temporary media center duties.
SD Card slot. Makes me want to upgrade my DSLR to something that handles SD cards instead of CF.
Magnetic power slot doohickey.

Hate:

Sharp edges digging into my forearms as I type this.
Effort required to click the track pad (enabling tap to click is a good workaround though).
Track pad click is LOUD. I hate noise.
Tap-to click response. Always seems to be half a second slower than I like.
Those damn edges are really frakking annoying.
Not enough buttons. No home and end buttons. I'd die in Eclipse without home and end buttons. Need another control button. And those arrows buttons are not comfortable. Tiny little stingy chicklets.
Mini display port and the expensive adapter nonsense. Machine is very portable otherwise but that's just one more thing to remember/carry.
This sharp edge is really pissing me off.

Meh:

Back-lit keyboard. Neat looking I guess but meh.
Caps-lock indicator on the key. Again, kinda cool I guess but why do we still have caps lock? Caps Lock = missing the tab or shift button. No other use. Meh.
Fire wire. It's nice but it's not like a fire wire cable has ever come with, like, anything. So I have to go out and buy another cable? Meh.
Display resolution: I'm a screen real estate whore and work all day with a 2560x1600 and a 1200x1920 monitor. Even the old laptop was 1600x1200. 1440x900 makes thing easy to see, I guess, but everything looks too big and...fuzzy. Meh.

I'd post more impressions but my forearms are bleeding too much. Need to go get some band-aids.

Targeting Muscles

2009-08-04T00:07:00.000-07:00

The base training I've been doing has a 3 weeks of progress--1 week of rest schedule. It's only recently that I felt, viscerally, how important that can be. That and how targeted a base building program is, in that it focuses on mileage, not speed.

After some vacation time and not running for almost 3 weeks, I came back with 30 mile (a little too aggressive), 20 mile (see 30 miler), and 25 miler weeks. I threw in a bunch of hills and speed in there so without those, I think I'd be at 30 miles per week of slow paced runs. The base building scheduling takes me to about 35, which is what another couple of weeks would get me. Close enough.

Last week was supposed to be a rest week. I did my heart rate experiment, which was fine. And then I made the mistake of trying to sprint around for a while playing ultimate frisbee. The reason why I needed a rest week became pretty clear: barely half an hour into it and my quads were done. Was sore for days after. Looking back, I compare it to doing a max weight low-rep set of bench presses after tiring yourself out with 3 weeks of push ups. Good way to freak out your muscles.

So after walking around like an old man for a few days, back in to it. Couple of slow 3 and 4s, 1 steady 2, and end the week with a slow 7. Also, I get real pace targets now too! Aiming for a sub 4:00 so put in a target 3:50 as upper limit, which gives me the following (with corresponding heart rate targets, based on a 206bpm max):

Jog	10:32	Up to 142
Easy	10:05	142-152bpm
Slow	9:50	150-160bpm
Steady (Marathon Pace)	8:46	162-173bpm
Brisk (1/2 Marathon Pace)	8:25	179-187bpm
Fast-10K	8:04	185-193bpm
Fast-5K	7:43	191-199bpm
Fast-above-5k	7:27	197-203bpm

I'm pretty confident about holding a 9:50 up to 20-22 so that pace seems right. I've also done a 10 miler in the 8:50 range already so that steady goal looks legit too (and the longest marathon pace run in the schedule is just only 10 miles actually). Conveniently, that 10K pace puts me in shooting range of a sub 50 10K and that Brisk pace puts me in similar range for a sub 1:50 half marathon. All the stars are aligned.

Experimenting with my Heart

2009-07-29T00:05:00.000-07:00

A little background. Way back in the day, Albert and I were working for Latitude and we both said something like "we should do a marathon." I remember starting to train before I fell off a bicycle and sprained my ankle.

Fast forward to 2004 and Albert ran a marathon. He told me to sign up for the Big Sur Marathon so I did. I trained. I finished the 2005 Big Sur Marathon. I got a serious case of ITBS less than a month before the Marathon date but whatever. I paid my $130 and I was going to get my money's worth, damn it! So I finished the Marathon but it was kind of a pyrrhic victory, physically, since my knee was busted for like the next 6 months. Mentally though, I was Haile Gebrselassie. With jet boosters.

So while I was busy being lazy and injured, Brandon (who managed me and Albert at Latitude) started training pretty seriously and eventually did a great marathon in 2007. Then he kind of lost it and started running up mountains, doing 50-mile races, and progressing irritatingly quickly into a running stud. After a couple of aborted training seasons for me (more injuries), I'm finally back on track and trying to ketchup to Brandon.

Recently, Brandon started talking about how he's going to switch to pacing his workouts by heart rate rather than speed. It's what the studs do. It happens that although we're not that many years apart in age, we have wildly different heart rates. He thinks his HR max is around the canoncial 220 - age, so around186, and my Garmin 305 heart sensor has measured 206 before for me, way past my theoretical max of 192. So after a slow 10 miler recently, Brandon wondered what my pace would be at 142bpm, his average for that run. Hence the following experiment.

Training schedule said 6 miles. I planned 2 miles at 140bpm at the beginning and 1 mile at 140bpm at the end, to see how the speed would change. The 3 in the middle I would run at whatever felt good, usually 160+. The short version is this: I can't run at 140bpm. It's PAINFUL. It's so slow, I felt kind of pointless, like I could have been getting the same exercise value by eating a Big Mac. On one hand, it's kind of nice since the pace was beyond conversational (oratorical pace?) but on the other hand, I went out to get exercise and have fun, not to get nowhere very slowly.

So the stats:
Mile 1: 10:23, 140bpm
Mile 2: 11:08, 147bpm (great, too fast already)
Mile 3: 9:38, 158bpm (this is more like a slow pace for me)
Mile 4: 9:36, 159bpm
Mile 5: 8:51, 169bpm (this is what felt fun but not too fast)
Mile 5.5: 11:55 pace, 152bpm (I couldn't run slow enough to get my heart down)
Overall: 5.5 miles at 10:06 / mile, 153bpm (got back to my house at 5.5. Too bored to do another 1/2 mile.)

So what's my pace around 142bpm? It'll probably stabilize out to around an 11:30, which, as I implied earlier, is unrunnable. It's like the no-man's land between a really slow jog and a fast walk. Pace purgatory.

But on the other hand, it kind of makes sense. 143bpm is about 77% HR Max (186) for Brandon. Taking my 206 HR Max at face value, 77% is 158bpm, which is just where I settled into for the middle 2 miles. Nevermind that I find that pace kind of annoying and almost always try to run faster. Point is that "slow" for Brandon is "slow" for me in terms of %HR. It also means that my HR Max is weirdly high. It also means that Brandon's "slow" is a good 40 seconds per mile faster than my "slow".

Ketchup.

My Perfect Point and Shoot

2009-07-13T16:13:00.000-07:00

My current P&S is a Casio Exilim Z-750. Lurve it. Great features, manual control, does video, long battery life, never lets me down. Except on picture quality but it's a dummycam so I can't expect something in such a small form factor to have good pictures right?

Enter the Leica D-Lux 4!

24-60mm 35mm equivalent focal length. F2.0-2.8 (fast!). Purty design. Snooty red Leica dot. Perfect.

Of course, I could also just get the Panasonic LX3 for a bit cheaper but it's not as pretty. So, my birthday is coming up...

Defibrillation

2009-07-12T22:46:00.000-07:00

It's a mild form of silliness, I suppose, but this blog has at various points in the past been turned into "geeky statistics about my slow-ass running" (don't you shift that hyphen). That association must have wormed itself into my brain because the lack of posts over the last year or so has corresponded to a lack of any significant progress in running. Now, I finally have something I think deserves a post, geeky statistics notwithstanding.

So what's happened? A bunch of things, most of which I won't describe right now both because it's too mundane and I want this post to be just as running-focused and geeky as my earlier posts. I'm nothing if not boring. No, consistent. No actually, boring.

Injuries
Around October last year (at a Halloween party actually), I got pwned by a single solitary step. Walked off a porch in the dark and next thing I know my left ankle was all bent out of shape. Next morning it did a very good impression of a sprained ankle, swelling up like one of those dinosaur-in-a-capsule toys and displaying all sorts of dark and interesting colors.

I seem to run into an injury every time I try to train for a marathon. A decade back it was falling off a bicycle. Then it was ITBS from over-training. Then it was ITBSv2 (socially networked!). Then the aforementioned sprain. I keep on thinking some punk deity or spirit somewhere is getting its kicks off giving me obvious signs. Puck, perhaps, not punk. Bastard.

Stride
Because I keep injuring myself, I try to learn. Slowly. Regretfully.

The biggest lesson has been in experimenting with changing my stride/gait to adjust to and compensate for my natural biomechanical dispositions. What I'm increasingly settling on is a slightly smaller stride so that I'm not banging down on my heel, destroying any chances my calves might have of cushioning the repetitie pavement pounding. I also "sit" a little bit lower depending on my legs and my energy level, allowing for additional cushioning by using more quads. This can require more effort over all but it gets me away from just planting my foot down and letting something other than my muscles stabilize myself (read: too much strain on the ITB). Still learning, but getting better.

Effort
I'm starting to have more successful bargaining with my body. I used to love the last 5% of effort, speeding up at the end of a long run, going an extra mile or 2, throwing lots of hills without changing the speed, etc. Problem was, that last 5% often ended up being 100-105% of what my body was willing to tolerate without injury. No more! Now I keep things at 90% so the 5% doesn't kill me. And another 5% for safety margin. In return, my body is willing to stay at 90% for a lot longer. It' s a fair deal.

Targets
The current goal is to just finish another damn marathon. But since I'm giving myself quite a bit of lead time this time around (for both base building and the specific training schedule), I'm shooting for sub 4:00. 3:59:59 will do. I'll also take all the help I can get and so to that end am aiming for the Cal Int'l Marathon in December. Very fast course. Bonus: if I do hit asub 4:00, I can tell people I improved more than 40 minutes between my first and second marathon.

Mini Milestone
After another minor ankle twist and about a 2 week rest period, I'm back! The fabled and momentous events that precipitated the revival of this blog were:

First double digit run again (Had been doing 9s up until now)
First consistent 30 mile week
4 months of training already, which is longer than what used to be my entire Marathon training schedule

That's it. I told you I wanted to keep this blog fairly boring right?

Public Service Announcement

2008-10-02T00:44:00.000-07:00

Courvoisier != Le Corbusier.

That is all.

Words Overheard in a Business Meeting

2008-09-25T19:33:00.000-07:00

Circle Back. Verb. Intransitive.

"Let's circle back to that point."
"We should circle back again..."
"So perhaps we should circle back before we go on."
"Let's circle back before we circle back to..."
Person 1: "I was going to circle back to..." [interrupted by person 2] "no let's circle back to..."

It was fitting. We were just circling around in the meeting, moving nowhere at a crawl.

Hint to people who are chronic circling backers: STOP IT! NOW!

Moving(?)

2008-09-17T20:00:00.000-07:00

I'm looking at apartments in the Bay Area for various reasons (mainly because, well, I might live here for a while) and the rent here is fairly ridiculous. Since I have a "real job" these days I figure I'd move to my own 1 bedroom place. So I started looking at 1bed/1bath places around the Santa Clara/San Jose/San Jose North areas and pretty soon the Asian miser in me started to ache and scream.

It's not like I'm not being paid a good wage and it's not like I can't afford it. But $1600+ for a one bedroom? Brandon said when he lived here (granted, 10 years ago), he paid something like $1200 for a 2 bedroom apartment. The same complex now, 1 bedroom, easily close to $1800 and 2 bedrooms go for around $2300. There's been inflation but I don't think it comes to 100% over 10 years. The first time I was in the Silicon Valley I got a 2 bedroom / 2 bathroom place with Albert, furnished, for about ~$1600 per month. We thought that was outrageously expensive. Same complex today? About the same price for a 1 bedroom, unfurnished.

Granted, I'm looking at pretty decent places since I could alternatively get a dinky 1 bedroom for like $1300 20 miles away from work. But then again, it's not like any of the places I'm looking at are especially nice. Pretty much all variations on the same basic floor plan, same appliances, same drab (and ugly) interior design, same exaggerated ads ("live in LUXURY on a spacious 3rd floor PENTHOUSE SUITE with MODERN appliances and ALL THE AMENITIES!"), and same inflated prices. $1700 for an apartment means something like at least 2.5K deposit + first month rent (almost 3K sometimes!). Add in some basic furniture and supplies and such and I'm looking at at least a $5k hit on moving in. Ouch. I know people whose mortgage payment on a house is less than that. OK, well, not in California...

The only saving grace is that I think I've found one of the few apartments around here with hardwood floors in the living room (it looks like), a gas range (it says), and less than 2 miles away from work. Going to try to yank it quick but since I can't move out until about October 20th in my current place, I might have to pay double rent for at least half a month. Guess it's not so bad if I get a place I like.

Ok, I'm done whining now.

Jetlag Sucks

2008-09-15T00:29:00.000-07:00

Can't sleep. Time to make a list of toys I covet:

Canon Rebel XSi - The 450D, which would be an upgrade over my current 350D. Do I need it? Not at all, but given its great performance and my lens choices so far (see below), it'd be a nice upgrade. Not really taking many pictures these days though. Should fix that.
Canon 17-55 f/2.8 IS USM - Fixed aperture (2.8!). Image Stabilisation. Useful range. It would replace the 17-40 f/4 L I mostly shoot with these days. I still have a 70-200 f/4 L in the stable and the standard 50 f/1.8 for low light.
[Ultra]portable laptop - Since I mostly work with a manlier-than-thou Mac Pro these days in the office, I find the big honkin' work T60p more and more annoying. It's certainly not a travel machine. And the IT software on it kills it. I can get into a small Mac portable but the only thing available is the Air which is meh. Though to be honest it probably fits my needs.
37-42" Flat-Panel TV - I'm in the dark ages still. Standard definition CRT baby! With prices coming down, maybe it's time I joined the rest of the world. Also, need it for my...
PlayStation 3 - Little Big Planet has me and everyone else hooked. I can also tell myself that since Blu-Ray won the porn wars, I can use the PS3 as my new DVD player.
Toaster Oven - So that I don't fire up the whole damn oven for things like making a little toast or melting some cheese. I'll pretend it's my own little mini-salamander.
Good Chef's Knife - I'm so used to the thin cleaver as my knife of choice for just about everything that I never learned to get comfortable with a standard Chef's Knife. Time to change that.
John Fluevog Marcellos in White - What? I don't have white shoes!
Bionic Legs - My current ones disappoint me. They should be unbreakable and indefatigable.
A reasonable car of some sort - None of those are really viable candidates except the first boring one, after which it's too impractical, too inefficient, too beautiful, too expensive, and not available in the US, in that order. As for my current car? It's not boring at all but it is a bit impractical, inefficient, pretty, and expensive. GREAT.
A house - This one will have to wait a bit.

How can I survive?? I know.

Baby Koala

2008-09-11T15:31:00.001-07:00

Back from a vacation to Melbourne (Australia, not Florida). Working on editing pictures. Here's a Cute Overload-esque preview:

Awwwwwwww.

In Melbourne

2008-08-31T21:54:00.001-07:00

Initial impressions of Melbourne, Australia:

Things are expensive here. $8AU for a 6" Subway sandwich? Brutal.
Things are big here. Hungry Jack's (Burger King) offers a "Quad" that's basically a In-N-Out 4x4, but of course not as good. Metal.
Internet infra sucks. Apparently it takes 2-4 WEEKS to get ADSL hooked up, plans are expensive, and there are data caps on how much you can download. Homicidal.
Everything opens late and closes early. Breakfast places don't open until like noon on Sundays and stores close at 4-6PM.
Weather changes frequently from sunny to cold to windy to warm to showers in the space of a couple hours.
People say "yeah", on average, about 93 times per minute. It sounds like one long "yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah".

It's not all bad, obviously. I like the look of the city: clean, not too small and not too big, not too diverse but diverse enough, and there's enough influence from Asians that there are good, spicy, Asian foods around here. Also, some downright scary (yet hilarious) mascots for candy. Pictures when I get reliable internet.

On Toys

2008-08-18T08:39:00.000-07:00

I've just been told, via email,

"Please don't lube the cubes too much!"

Kinky. OK!

Workin' On It

2008-08-03T22:09:00.000-07:00

Been working and running too hard lately.

On the running front, I'm still making the same mistakes I always make (too fast, too far) but I'm slowly unmaking them. People say various things about increasing your total mileage from week to week but I've never paid much attention and I think it's taken a bit out of my already non-existent ass. The general rule seems to be no more than 10% increase in weekly mileage from week to week. I had always thought of it as 10% increase in the long-distance runs from week to week. And then I always break that rule. This time, my weekly mileage has been something like 9, 11, 17, 14, 20, 25. Surely enough, just about 2 weeks ago my knees starting getting a little sore again. Scared me enough for me to take it real easy these 2 weeks and just do light jogging and some leg exercises. Getting back in to it this week but going to try to stay at the low 20s range for a couple weeks. That and run more times but fewer miles each time.

Busy as hell at work and still working too much but it's still fun. Need a reward. Need to be something materialistic. I'm going out of the country for a bit of a vacation near the end of this month so...

Happy...something (Disposable Income Day?) to me! A Glaser 19" duffle. Purty. It's supposed to last 15+ years and 500k+ miles easily, say people who've used these things for that long.

Now all I need is another Glaser A4-sized shoulder bag in calf for daily use and a whole bunch of fake documents, folders, dossiers, and papers so that I can transport them around in a Rocket Bag. Yes. Need.

Running Summary - 7/20

2008-07-20T22:07:00.000-07:00

Monday - REST.
Tuesday - SOAP. (Get it? But seriously, more REST.)
Wednesday - 5 x Yasso 800s @ 2% incline. 5 Miles total.
Thursday - 5 1/4 miles.
Friday - REST
Saturday - 3.5 miles and then threw in a 3:30 800 at the end for 4 miles total.
Sunday - 10 mile slow run.

Total: 24 miles.

Don't know what my pace is on the 10 miles though it felt like I had more energy than last weekend's 10. Could be I'm just taking it a little easier. Send Brandon my GPS watch so that he could track every mile of his crazy 50 mile run in Leadville so no geeky data. This is probably a good thing since whenever I have the watch, I monitor it like crazy and try to beat my current average pace. Yes, that's a problem because it means I'm forever trying to speed up on my long runs which is bad. I don't think average pace was slower than 10/mile though so I'm happy.

And tired.

Jargon - 1

2008-07-15T16:05:00.000-07:00

Co-opetition. Seen as a title to a book that is referenced in a footnote of the introduction to Competitive Strategy by Porter.

Similar words: Stag-flation. Sup-ferior. Rej-doption.

grunt

2008-07-13T22:45:00.001-07:00

10 miles.

95 minutes.

Feel like a man.

A man who runs slowly.

And whose calves are completely exhausted now.

And well ok it was actually about 9.85 miles so a man who rounds up to the next integer.

But a man who is now up to 20 miles for this week.

A man who's careful about ITBS.

A running man with a goal.

Less than 4 hours.

26 miles.

Two Bags

2008-07-12T16:58:00.000-07:00

I don't travel all that much but I fantasize that I will do a lot of it at some point during my life. Preferably soon. I'm also a fan of being prepared and thinking things through, which means that I need some durable luggage options for traveling. Finally, I'm sucker for luxurious detail for its own sake. It's really fortunate then that I'm thinking about these things because I just have too much money sitting around and I really must spend it. So, for shortish travel, I think a nice Glaser duffel bag will do.

But what about work documents, laptop, pens, and the like? Surely I won't put them into a duffel bag? OK, maybe I will since Glaser does offer modular organization inserts for their hand crafted and customized bags but I wouldn't want to put in my 1 hour of work per week as the head of Making Lots of Money, Inc. carrying around a duffel. How crass! This is where the Rocket Bag comes in. Yes, it sounds a bit like the briefcase of a certain improbable jet-pack aided Disney hero from the days of yore (yore mama!) but it's actually quite a bit less cheese and quite a bit more Le Grand Fromage des Kings et les Hommes avec Way Too Beaucoup de Money, Edition Limité. Regardless of your gender and sexual orientation though, you are a metrosexual if you get one of these:
See what I mean? You do. The bag of French yuppie kings.

Both of these options are supposed to survive a million miles of air travel, various kinds of weather and adversity, nuclear blasts, and come through it all looking as good as, if not better than, the day you got them. Also, you'll travel much lighter with these bags because they'll take care of that annoying extra wad of cash you've got in your back pocket.

Now I wonder if the 7x7x7 fits into the Rocket Bag...

The Plan

2008-07-06T23:44:00.001-07:00

I read about Yasso 800s so I knew what they were. Idea is you take your goal marathon pace and substitute "minutes" for hours. You then take those minutes and run 800m intervals (with 400m jog in between). So for a 4 hour marathon, do 4 minute 800s. 3:30 marathon, 3:30 800s, and so on. You work up to 10 of those during your marathon training along with distance runs and such, and you're ready to do the marathon at your goal pace. Simple, really.

Sounds sort of easy but it's pretty brutal when you're on your last set of 800s, whether it's 3, 4, 5, or 10. If I do them right, my diaphragm hates me and it takes a little while to recover. Afterwards, I don't really want to puke but I can tell my abs are a bit overworked. That's what they feel like.

I'm toying with the idea of running the Santa Barbara Pier to Peak half-marathon (all up hill, about 4k feet elevation, end of August) so Brandon clued me in on hill workouts: run up a steep gradient hill hard for 2 minutes, jog back down for 3. I haven't scoped out the good hills around where I live so I go to the gym and set the treadmill for a 10% uphill gradient for the uphill bits and 0% gradient for the "downhill" bits.

For both the Yassos and the hills, I'm getting about four repetitions before I'm beat. I'm still getting used to it too so it takes a lot out of me and my long runs on the weekend suffer unless I rest for two days. All part of re-learning the process I guess. Big overall plan is to push up the hill repeats and alternate between Yassos and tempo runs. Once I get comfortably back in to the double digits (still at 8 miles for the long runs), I might do more hills and long weekend hills. I'll be pretty happy if I can finish the Pier to Peak without breaking my legs again. And then, I don't know, the Shanghai Marathon?

7x7x7

2008-07-05T01:30:00.000-07:00

DO WANT.

Subjective-C

2008-06-28T15:49:00.000-07:00

Reading through primers for Objective-C, I'm struck by the use of new names for existing concepts. For example:

A protocol declares methods that can be implemented by any class. Protocols are not classes themselves. They simply define an interface that other objects are responsible for implementing. When you implement the methods of a protocol in one of your classes, your class is said to
conform to that protocol.

Interesting, so a protocol is just an interface that other objects implement. In other parts of the world, we call such an interface an interface.

A class in Objective-C can declare two types of methods: instance methods and class methods. An instance method is a method whose execution is scoped to a particular instance of the class. In other words, before you call an instance method, you must first create an instance of the class. Class methods, by comparison, do not require you to create an instance, but more on that later.

So instead of declaring methods static, we now have somewhat less expressive notations of "-" for instance methods and "+" for class methods. Class methods are different than static methods, Apple tells me, but why do we have to resort to "+"?

When you want to call a method, you do so by "messaging” the corresponding object. The message in this case is the method signature, along with the parameter information the method needs. All messages you send to an object are dispatched dynamically, thus facilitating the polymorphism behavior of Objective-C classes. In other words, if a subclass defines a method with the same signature as one of its parent classes, the subclass receives the message first and can opt to forward the message (or not) to its parent.

So the "message" you send (with quotes) is equivalent to calling a method (without quotes). Also, what part of polymorphic inheritance isn't already part of other OOPLs, like Java?

Final gripe that may just be a n00b question: If the "messaging" syntax is represented by [object :parameter], how do you do method chaining?

[[[object method1:parameter1] method2:parameter2] method3:parameter3]?

That looks ugly.

Still wondering why we need another language to program on a different platform but maybe I'll change my mind once I delve deeper. For now, Apple seems to be continuing to do its thang of making a big deal out of existing concepts. XCode does "Data Tips". Great. What other decent IDE doesn't?

Sado-MAso

2008-06-18T23:21:00.000-07:00

So earlier today somebody made a reference to a post on this blog and it was terrifying. I got over it with some meds I got from that happy Asian dude down at the corner of Main and Abel. Anyway, since I risk boring all of three of you with this stuff, I figure it's just your bad luck that you're reading this post.

I'm once again a total pansy as far as running is concerned since I haven't run for about 3 years now. I've been bed ridden with a debilitating illness and my muscles have atrophied to the point of needing crazy people from Zion to stick needles in me while Laurence Fishburne gets all philosophical on mine ass. But progress is being made, even if in the passive voice! Last week I did a "run" of 3 miles at 10:00/mile and I felt like an asthmatic smoker with one lung and half a leg. This Sunday I managed 5 miles at 9:40 feeling like a normal person with normal lungs and completely average legs. Today I felt like King Kong on crack because I ran until my diaphragm wanted to punch my guts in. Awesome!

Mile 1: 3/4 - 2% - @10:00 | 1/4 - 6% - @11:30
Mile 2: 3/4 - 2% - @10:00 | 1/4 - 7% - @ 12:00
Mile 3: 1/4 - 0% - @10:00 | 1/4 - 1% - @ 10:00 | 1/4 - 2% - @10 | 1/4 - 8% - @12:30
Mile 4: 1/4 - 0% - @10:00 | 1/4 - 1% - @ 10:00 | 1/4 - 2% - @10 | 1/4 - 9% - @13:00
Mile 5: 0%, accelerated steadily from 10:00 down to 7:20.

So, not exactly an impressive workout but also pretty good given that I'm paralyzed from the waist down. At least I'm not some crazy ultra-marathon runner gunning for the Leadville.

Per Se...

2008-06-15T19:42:00.000-07:00

...is, among many things, a highly rated restaurant by Thomas Keller in New York.

It is also Latin for "of itself" or "by itself" or "with reference to itself".

There is no such thing as "per say", except as a homophonic yet mistaken spelling of "per se".

Defining you

2008-02-29T10:29:00.001-08:00

So, the Providence Place Mall thinks I'm defined by toilets and urinals. Bastards.

7 instead of 20

2008-02-17T18:45:00.001-08:00

What's going on? Was supposed to run 20 but could barely jog/walk/limp/crawl 7 miles today, out of breath the entire time keeping up an average pace that was probably slowe than 12:00/mile. And my knees still hurt. And I was out of breath again doing a little cleaning in the bathroom. Not a good follow up to the 1:50 half and it looks like I might have to cancel the napa. Suck! I must be hosting an alien parasite...

Oh hair!

2008-02-09T17:33:00.001-08:00

Snowing at ORD and my flight's supposed to be on time. I'm skeptical yet hopeful.

Word of the day: whorenament. Discuss.

You Don't Get It

2008-02-08T23:31:00.000-08:00

Due to some corrupting influences from certain rogues at my place of work, I've been running a lot more recently. Scratch that. I've been on an honest-to-Zoroaster training program for the Napa Valley Marathon in March, once again courting black toe, ITBS, and plantar fasciitis. Yet I really do enjoy running immensely, those biomechanically ominous terms notwithstanding. My last Marathon had me at about 10:45 minutes per mile and I just recently ran a half marathon at 8:20 minutes per mile. That's definitely progress in the right direction.

Given that I continue to run though, it would seem obvious that I enjoy running. It's not like somebody is blackmailing me into running. My son isn't in danger of being pooped on by wild boars in the Siberian woods if I don't run and even if he were, I would more likely question that I had a son at all because last time I checked no offspring had sprung from my loins. So I must like running. That seems to be a simple, reasonable, logically sound deduction.

It is also the one basic truth that is continuously questioned. Kind of stupidly. No, that's too strong of a word but let me explain with a dialogue:

Somebody: Why do you run?
Me: Because I think it's fun!
Somebody: But it doesn't seem like it's fun to me.
Me: Perhaps not, but it's fun to me.
Somebody: Yeah, but why do you do it, it's not fun!
Me: But...it IS fun to me...
Somebody: I don't believe running is fun! Explain to me why you would do something that is not fun, ignoring your own views. Also, I'm right, you're wrong. Now justify why you're right.
Me: *runs*

It's not that I look down upon people who don't run. Being a couch potato or playing the saxophone are perfectly wonderful alternatives to running. It's not my place to judge. But you can't adopt the premise that running is painful and not fun and then ask me to justify myself. It would be like asking me why I enjoy being Asian because doesn't it suck to be Chinese? Or why do I enjoy playing the piano when it is so boring compared to OMGHALO3ROXORZ!!1!!eleventyone!?! on the XBoxDegreesInACircle?

Next time somebody asks me that question I should just give in. I am a masochist. I enjoy pain. My favorite activity on Saturdays is to be sodomized by butch dominatrices in leather while listening to the Mozart Requiem being played in D Major. While running.

Recursive blogging

2008-01-28T01:24:00.001-08:00

Now that I can post from my mobile phone, expect a greater number of craptacularly pithy turd-piles! Hooray!

Delicious Covered Awesome

2008-01-24T17:17:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I am burdened with my status as an innovative culinary genius and the picture of hirsute virility admired by macho men the world over. It's not easy being somebody who bench presses wet yaks one afternoon only to make a delightful foie des yaks humides au torchon out of that same piece of exercise equipment the very next night. Every once in a dry caribou, however, an inspiration hits me that is just a pure and absolute epiphany.

Chocolate Covered Bacon.

You might think that sounds terrible. You might think it sounds disgusting. That's why you're the hoi polloi and I'm The Innovator. The formula is really quite simple. It is a given that:

Chocolate is delicious.
The only thing more delicious than chocolate is awesome. I mean bacon.
Delicious + Awesome = Yummy^2

So it follows by simple substitution that chocolate plus bacon is yummy squared, something exponentially yummier than the normal, run of the mill yummy. If you still don't get this, go workout with some damp elk first and then come back to this post.

So how does one make chocolate covered bacon? Also quite simple. Melt some semi-sweet chocolate in a double boiler. Add some butter until the chocolate flows better and you can add some milk to taste if you would like. Real men do. At the same time, fry up some bacon until it's as crispy as a crispy bacon (is there anything more delightfully crispy? NO.). Drain the bacon and cut it into manageable squares or slices and dip into the chocolate. Let dry on a Silpat or some similar anti-sticking device. Chill until hardened, and bring joy to your friends by forcing them at muscle-point to try it. If they like it, you should probably try some yourself.

A better variation is to chop up the bacon finely and mix it into the chocolate. Then drop the chocolate in little rounds on to the Silpat, chill, and serve. I like the texture and taste of this better but it's likely that you haven't done enough reps to truly appreciate it.

If you're man enough to try this, I think you'll like it. My moose did.

The Order of Things

2008-01-06T14:29:00.000-08:00

I'm not the only one who has this problem. You see, when you're in a long race like a half marathon or a marathon, part of your registration fee goes toward setting up little niceties such as porta-potties along the route or having volunteers handing you liquids and Gu at regular intervals. So, besides being continually hydrated and fueled, you can also empty out your insides when you just really have to pinch one out. But on a training run, you don't have this luxury. Sure, you could engineer a solution by running loops and having some sort of rest stop on that loop but it's a pain.

But it's worse than that. For me anyway, I get mildly anxious before a long training run because, let's face it, I'm not the world-level athlete I was once, and I'm using too many commas in this sentence. Also, when you're running long distances, you want to relax and not waste any energy, something that gets more difficult in direct proportion to the amount of sphincter contraction you must endure. The solution? Poo before you run.

That's not as easy as it sounds though, because unless you defecate with metronomic regularity, you just may run in to (pun intended) a run before poo situation. The absolute worst is when you get something out before you run, then start your run, and then 10 miles in, most literally, shit. Just one more challenge in life to deal with, I suppose. At least I made it through this entire post without one Foucauldian reference. Oops. Merde encore.

Overdrift

2007-09-15T11:16:00.000-07:00

I'm supposed to post about some chocolate covered grapes, chocolate napoleons, and lemon-lime madeleines. In the meantime though, check it:

Overdrift

This is quite possibly the greatest video ever made.

"...we're all dinos over here. Everyone drifts all the time, it's impossible to drive straight!"

DUKE OUT!

うまく行った(Umaku Itta)

2007-09-03T02:46:00.000-07:00

Sometimes things go really smoothly, like how I just managed to advertise and sell all of my furniture to a new tenant taking over my current apartment in less than 6 hours beginning to end. But that's no fun. Stupidity is more fun.

Prospective: Hi, I'm Lauren...
Luke: Hi, I'm Luke.
Prospective: ...
Luke: ...
Prospective: I'm calling about the studio loft you advertised?
Luke: Ah yes sure, you have any questions?
Prospective: What's the deal?
Luke: Excuse me? I'm not sure what you mean.
Prospective: What's the deal with the layout? It's a 1 bedroom?
Luke: It's a studio actually...
Prospective: So there are no bedrooms?
Luke: *Goes through long explanation of layout*
Prospective: Well my daughter and I are looking for a place so that sounds ok.
Luke: Yeah, I like this place a lot.
Prospective: ...are you Canadian?
Luke: Excuse me??
Prospective: Are you from Canada?
Luke: No...uh...I'm Chinese
Prospective: Oh, well you have an accent...
Luke: Huh. That's interesting. Are you American?
Prospective: Yes...
Luke: Because you has stupidity!
Prospective: ...
Luke: *punches prospective in the face*

So obviously not all of that happened but you get the drift. Oddly enough, I always though I had an accent. Not a Chinese accent exactly but a little extra bit of enunciation and a curl of the tongue that has their roots in the fact that English, despite being native to me now, was still a learned language for me. So while all my American friends assume that I was born in the States and tell me I don't have an accent at all, I can still tell when I listen to myself what kind of an "accent" I have. But Canadian eh? I don't know what to think aboot that.

Intentional, or is it?

2007-08-26T12:28:00.000-07:00

Headlines: Saw these at the NYT, (or did I?):

US Open Blog: US Behind, or Has World Caught Up?

A double-perspective: It works fine except what do we have here?

The World: This War Is Not Like the Others — or Is It?

This post: It is finished, or is it?

Vichyssoise and Blanquette de Veau

2007-08-25T17:58:00.001-07:00

Vichyssoise! It's supposed to be cold (Holy Batman reference!).

Didn't take a picture of the mise this time but caught the ingredients lounging there all unawares:

It's a nice and simple recipe. If you like onions and potatoes (hash browns anyone?) then you like this soup. It's creamier, it's a bit more work, but it's basically onion and potato soup. Sweat the white part of the leaks, cut the potatoes into cubes, and then dump in with a bunch of chicken stock. Cook until potatoes are mushy, blend, strain, add cream and nutmeg (I forgot the nutmeg), salt to taste, chill. Garnish with some chives and you get:

Nice and easy. Mine came out slightly thick (too many potatoes) but the great thing is you can thin out the soup to the desired texture at the blending stage. Just add more stock! OK, that was easy. On to the Blanquette de Veau.

According to Bourdain, it's all about white. Everything should be white. Well ok, mushrooms won't be white no matter how you cook'em but the sauce should be white so it'll cover parts of the mushrooms. Mise below:

Pearl onions and the button mushrooms will both be covered with water and boiled until the water's gone with a pat (about a tablespoon) of butter. The big onion, celery, carrot, and the bouquet garni (the white cheesecloth package down there) go in to a big pot with all the veal. Shoulder, cut into 2 inch squares. Once the veal is cooked (about 2 hours) and all the scum skimmed off, you'll be left with fragrant veal soup. Yum!

Next step is the sauce: make a roux by blending flour into butter after the butter has been heated and the foam subsided. Don't burn the flour like I did! It'll brown the sauce and then Bourdain will get mad at you and you don't want an obnoxious bastard like him making snarky comments about your roux. He chewed me out RIGHT as my flour hit the butter.

Once the roux is made, mix in a bit of the veal stock slowly to emulsify. Continue mixing and adding in the liquid until it's all blended. Cook until it starts to thicken (not too much!). At that point salt and pepper to taste and add in the pearl onions and mushrooms. Cook for about 5-8 minutes.

When ready to serve, take a bit of the hot sauce and mix an egg yolk and juice from half a lemon into it and then reincorporate back into the sauce. Put some nice white rice on the plate (in a ball if you follow Bourdain's pictures or in whatever fancy schmancy shape you like), some pieces of veal on the plate, and then drizzle with sauce. The pearl onions should melt like a ball of sweet goodness in your mouth and the veal should be fork tender. If you burnt the roux like I did it'll look like this:

Yup. Not quite white. But close. And now I know. Which is half the (culinary) battle. And if also, like me, you made way too many portions for one person, then this is what you'll be eating for the next couple of nights (not that it's a bad thing):

OK, so a bit heavy on the starch. Potato soup, bread, and rice. We've got some protein from the veal and the vegetables? Uhm...onions and mushrooms TOTALLY count. I'll eat more vegetables at other meals anyway.

And yes, two balls of rice look kinda like boobies. You think I didn't notice? Hu hu hu. "Boobies".

Error Messages

2007-08-16T00:44:00.000-07:00

A lot of VBScripting recently has me seeing all sorts of vague error messages and I've got a thought: why can't they be less vague? For one thing, they're kind of stoic: "End Expected at line 148." Descriptive, but not much fun. For another thing, the syntactical error messages don't always tell you what's really wrong. If you name a function "ILikeBigButts(boolean BrotherLies)" and you accidentally invoke it with "ILikeBadonkadonk( true )" you'll get something talking about a type mismatch.

See that word? Mismatch, meaning that there are two things to match. But the truth of the matter is, there's no match to miss. The ILikeBadonkadonk function simply doesn't exist. Yes, I suppose nothing as a type does not match something but such existential queries probably don't need to be illustrated in the bowels of VBScript.

I suggest we update the error messages to be more colorful. Instead of "Type Mismatch," why not "That Shit Ain't Nowhere, Foo!" Or for "End Expected" we could have "Waiting for Armageddon" (Waiting for Armagodot...). For that matter, every other interface has the concept of "styles" down now, we should be able to customize development environments with error message styles. Personally, I'd go for "Dangerous Ganster Rapper Running from the Law". That'll really put the urgency into those messages.

Adverb Spelling Disease

2007-08-13T13:04:00.000-07:00

I saw an insult on the Yahoo Finance boards today and I lawled. You would too if somebody insulted you like this. Imagine somebody getting all up in your face. He's serious and aggressive and he's about to call you some names, you can just feel it. The rage he exudes is palpable and he's going to berate you verbally somethin' fierce. His massive chest heaves up in a great intake of air and he calls you a

"..miserably systic [sic] fibrosis!"

What do you do? What can you do when faced with perfect, beautiful nonsense? In three words we've got an adverb used as an adjective, misspelling, and the misappropriation of a disease as an insult. That sounds like a pretty good idea for an insult formula actually. Let me have a go!

I think you should shut up you...

Pathetically Pulmonairy Embolism!
Stupidly Renul Failure!
Moronically Subdurel Hematoma!
Quickly Hemerajic Fever!
Vicariously Sikul Sell Anemia!

Just more proof for John Gabriel's Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory.

Futures Made of Virtual Insanity

2007-08-11T02:09:00.000-07:00

I've been just obsessed with this today. I don't know why but I get on to these indefinite loops. The Russian National Anthem was one. And the latest involves Jamiroquai's Virtual Insanity and, to some extent, Jay Kay. He's a pretty unique performer and Virtual Insanity is a great piece of work. The video is great as well and is a nice visual puzzle for those who like these kinds of things. I'm going to get all multimedia on you guys:

There's a making of video on youtube that explains the movements.

The other thing is I think I have a man-crush on Jay Kay. He's so cute! He's got that hat habit which is much more a geek than a fashion statement. Some of them are pretty ugly but rarely are they boring. He also did an adorable interview on Top Gear a while back that stole my heart for a few reasons: he acts like a happy kid, he set one of the top times for the first generation of Stars in a Reasonably Priced Car, and he's a car man himself. He sounds fantastic live, he's got real musical talent, and he's got these distinct dance moves.

It strikes me that Maroon 5 sounds a little like him sometimes. Compare "Sunday Morning" to Virtual Insanity. But as catchy as Maroon 5 is sometimes, Jay Kay seems like a more distinct and interesting artist. OK, sorry for the false alarm on the gaydar, but his image is cute!

Which is why I wonder why he has to keep punching photographers. Chill man! Ignore them and go back home then take a drive in your RS4, or RS6, or DB5, or F355, or the mesmerizing Miura, or the flying F40 AND the F50, or the freaking Flying Spur, or the dangerous Diablo, or the possible Pope Mobile, or the epic Enzo. My point is that I like your cars. Can I come for a ride? Better yet you keep punching photographers and I'll drive your cars. That way everyone's happy.

Boids

2007-08-09T06:35:00.001-07:00

My sleep schedule is all messed up. So after a night of weird neurological (possibly?) ticks and vague insomnia, I get a call from the company for tech support. I miss the call itself but caught it on voicemail. It's a bit of an emergency and I'm not sleeping anyway so why not! Drag myself out of bed and start debugging. Nothing like looking at Single Sign On code at 5:30 in the mornin'.

But anyway, my main point is this: I've been hearing birds yapping away intermittently outside my window. I don't know what they're doing but they make some gahdwaful noises at 6AM!

And now I don't know what to do. Stay up? Get to sleep? Eat dinner? Take a nap?

IP Address conversion

2007-08-08T17:32:00.001-07:00

This took me way too long to figure out. Converts IP addresses from decimal notation to quad dotted form. In ASP.

Function MyHex(ByVal Number)
Dim Sign
Const HexChars = "0123456789ABCDEF"
Sign = Sgn(Number)
Number = Fix(Abs(CDbl(number)))
If Number = 0 Then
MyHex = "0"
Exit Function
End If
While Number > 0
MyHex = Mid(HexChars, 1 + (Number - 16 * Fix(Number / 16)), 1) & MyHex
Number = Fix(Number/16)
WEnd
If Sign = -1 Then MyHex = "-" & MyHex
End Function

Function decToQuad(Byval dec)

HexVal = MyHex(dec)
ip = ""

for i = 0 to 3
temp = Left(HexVal,2)
ip = ip & Eval("&H" & temp) & "."
Hexval = Right(Hexval, Len(Hexval) - 2)
next
decToQuad = Left(ip, Len(ip) - 1)
end function

I don't like some people...

2007-08-07T16:37:00.000-07:00

I was just thinking how much I dislike Bill O'Reilly (after seeing yet another video of his being a dick). I thought to my self, "Lord, I really hate Bill O'Reilly." That wasn't a cry out to any kind of deity, by the way.

But actually, I'm really behind the times because this made me Laugh Out Loud:
http://www.sweetjesusihatebilloreilly.com/

Wow! A site whose domain name is precisely what I was thinking! Now if only there were a "Mmmm...Bacon.com".

Simple Snack and Some Soba

2007-08-04T23:33:00.000-07:00

I've had around 2 shots worth of Ketel One in my freezer for a while now. My Ketel One martini phase, which for me was basically Ketel One from the freezer shaken with a little bit of ice and poured into a martini glass, apparently ended just before I finished the bottle. I had an urge to have some today so decided to roll it into a little pre-dinner snack. Here's what it looked like:
Couple toast points, some caviar, and some chilled vodka in a chilled cordial. After I wolfed this down I took the rest of my bread and made some Melba toast (with bacon grease! >) ) and spread some pate on to it, leading to the post before the last.

With the nicer looking/snootier portion of my meal done I got to making myself a main course:
It looks huge but it didn't take very long to ingest. This would be soba cooked and drained. Meanwhile, julienne some kielbasa (for which I've got a bit of a thing) and fry it up a little in just a teensy bit oil. When caramelization starts, toss in the peas, throw on the lid for a bit for a quick steam, and then white pepper to taste. Dump in the soba, stir to mix, and then add in a little soy sauce. Just enough to splash all the noodles. Continue "stir frying" until the soy sauce forms a light glaze and then plate.

The baby bok choy on top of all that noodle is my favorite kind. Heat up some oil (I like bacon grease) until it's very very hot. You can't use butter here unless it's clarified, but even then the taste is too creamy. Vegetable oil works very well. As the oil is heating up (or before), cut off the end of the bok choy so that you have separate leaves. Wash well but don't over dry. Leave it damp.

In one motion, dump all the bok choy into your wok so that it muffles any oil splatter. You should hear some loud sizzles though. Stir quickly, reduce heat to medium high, and put a lid on. Cook for about 3 minutes, stirring the bok choy occasionally and putting the lid back on. As soon as you see the bok choy start to take on a deep green color, remove the lid and salt to taste. Stir for about 30 more seconds and remove from wok immediately. It should be crispy, slightly salty, and very very fresh tasting.

Eggs and Tomatoes

2007-08-04T23:17:00.000-07:00

OK, here's a classic Chinese home cooking dish. Easy as heck! First, you scramble some eggs. The way I do it is to beat about 4 eggs (salt a bit first) very well. Dice some scallions and throw them in as well.

In a wok or a relatively big pan, heat up some oil until it's very hot (almost smoking). I'd say about a tablespoon for every 2 eggs, or 3 if you have a non-stick pan. Once the oil is very hot, dump in the beaten eggs quickly. Use a chopstick or other untensil to gently push around the mixture, exposing the un-set egg to hot oil as quickly as possible. After about 30 seconds, stir vigorously to break the egg s roughly into big chunks. Pepper to taste if you like.Then take some tomatoes (I use about 3-4 vine ripes on sale!) and cut into about 3/4" cubes. You're not making coulis or anything so don't make it too small. Size doesn't matter so much. Heat up some hot oil (a teaspoon) and dump the tomatoes in. Cook until juices are all out and have reduced by about a quarter to a third. A bit of sugar here works well too.
Dump the eggs back in and use a spatula to do double duty: cut up the egg into small chunks and fold the tomatoes and egg together. Keep the heat on high and cook for about 2 minutes.
Plate and serve. Easy stuff and you can feel free to vary the ratio of eggs to tomatoes, scallions to eggs, size of tomatoes, etc. The savory eggs (boosted a lot by the scallions) is a distinct counterpoint to the sweet/sour tomato. And just in case that's not enough calories:
Heat up some pound cake, plop on a whole bunch of chocolate ice cream, and cut up some strawberries. It's like the supermarket special of desserts. But sometimes, you just feel like something obvious, without finesse, and straight forward.

Easy Canape

2007-08-04T19:53:00.001-07:00

I've always loved having a little bit of the sourness of a cornichon after a mouthful of liver. So much so, in fact, that I've come to really like the sourness of a cornichon during a mouthful of liver. So, since everyone likes it, why not put some pate on toast points and then sprinkle with julienned cornichons? Just an idea. I'm thinking about this since I just went all Nellie Melba and had some pate on Melba toast...

Objet d'Lust

2007-08-04T14:44:00.000-07:00

The Alfa Romeo 8C Competizione.
The $200K question: Will somebody get me one?

Big Bomb

2007-08-04T03:49:00.001-07:00

What if a nuclear bomb the size of a 747 crashed into England? I didn't ask the question (saw it on Yahoo Answers). This is so going to get me tagged by homeland security. But here goes:

Let's assume the most powerful kind (fission-fusion-fission) available to date. Biggest detonated ever Tsar Bomba had a theoretical yield of about 100 megatons (though actually detonated at 50 megatons) at 8 meters long and two meters diameter. A 747 is about 70 meters long so let's say roughly 10 times the available material. At that scale the resulting bomb would be, using Tsar Bomba as our unit, 270 tons.

Assuming a linear relation between amount of explosive material (fission/fusionable) and output, that would put our bomb at about 1000 megatons. Approximating the relationship between fireball size and power megaton as a square relationship, we would estimate a fireball diameter of around 10 miles. Doubling it for fun we get a 20 mile radius fireball. Total area of fireball coverage would be about 314 square miles.

England is 80,823 square miles, so about 80K square miles. 300/80000 = ~0.4%.

So even if the bomb were WILDLY successful, it would still blow up far less than 1% of Great Britain.

Problem 1: I'm not sure that a fission-fusion-fission design could scale up that far. Perhaps a multi-stage fission - fusion - multi stage fission...

FYI 2: For the brief moment the bomb would be busy exploding, the power generated would rival a significant percentage of the Sun's power output. I'd say less than 5% but I have no idea how to calculate that. Tsar Bomba got to about 1%.

Anybody have a better estimate?

Jim Cramer: Chode on TV!

2007-08-03T15:13:00.000-07:00

Jim Cramer of "Mad Money" fame is a bit heavy on the "mad" for me. I don't see why Cramer is so popular sometimes. Is it like how O'Reilly is getting such high ratings by being a dick most of the time? It's not that Cramer gives generally bad advice or recommendations (though sometimes his track record is a bit questionable) but that he does it in such a simian manner, making loud noises here and throwing fecal matter there. What, you don't believe in the shit-throwing? Check out this little fit:

http://www.cnbc.com/id/20111570

Is he trying to up his ratings? Is he a passionate guy with no sense of place and propriety? Is he making a public cry out to his doctors for more meds? I'd like to know what is going on there because I am fascinated by how somebody can willingly go on TV and make a chode of himself.

Vomit Comet for 10 Easy Payments!

2007-08-01T00:00:00.000-07:00

The Vomit Comet is now available for mass consumption, offered by The Sharper Image, no less. You get 15 parabolic maneuvers, which means 15 chances to empty your stomach and try to enjoy the weightlessness before you're crushed into the airplane floor by the ascent portion of the trajectory. This fancy schmancy high-atmosphere version of the joys of the Spanish Inquisition is available for less than $4k now.

Don't misunderstand, I think weightlessness is fascinating and the Vomit Comet always seemed like a really cool thing to go on. And even Hawking had a great time on one recently. But what a long way we've come from scientific research to recreational puking.

RSVP

2007-07-29T19:59:00.000-07:00

RSVP (Rapid Serial Visual Presentation) is an alternate way of presenting text. Instead of static pages of it as in a book, words are flashed for brief periods in front of you before the following words comes up. There are advantages and disadvantages to this method of visual madness.

Traditional reading assumes that text is static. Your eyes move over the text. This means there's a cognitive and biomechanical load on you: you have to move to each successive word and you also have to do so intelligently. But it also means you can re-read things and scan very easily.

RSVP reduces your biomechanical load: since the words don't move, your eyes don't have to move. It also reduces, arguably, cognitive load since you don't have to intelligently search for the next word or line. But you can't scan nearly as easily.

Apparently comprehension and speed with RSVP is, at best, comparable to traditional texts. Understandable, especially for those who haven't "trained" to read in RSVP style.

Anecdotally though, RSVP training is a great help in speed-reading traditional texts. This is because when you start getting used to it and start pushing up the presentation speed, your brain doesn't have enough time to mentally "vocalize" the words. Instead, you get used to entire words as graphical symbols. Then, when you go back to reading traditional texts, you skip the mental vocalization and instead look at whole words as symbols, a much faster way of deciphering a sea of letters and numbers.

Most current RSVP software seems to be just flashing word after word at a set speed. I wonder if there are ways to drastically improve that though. For one, many of the auxiliary words in the English language can be inferred from the context. Articles, for example, don't really need to exist for comprehension. Additionally, longer words take the brain longer to process.

I think RSVP speed can be tuned on a word-by-word basis with a good algorithm. For starters, the interval between one word and the next shouldn't be a constant. It should be a scaled constant, like time multiplied by length of a word. Shorter words get shorter presentation time while longer words get longer presentation time. The difference would be milliseconds but that's all the brain needs. Punctuation should be taken in to account as well. Often I'm looking at an RSVP presentation and the sentence confuses me because I missed seeing that little dot at the end of one word and a new idea comes flying at me without my realizing it.

Maybe I should write my own RSVP trainer and see where it gets me...

Strawberry and Blueberry Terrine

2007-07-25T19:00:00.001-07:00

Since I've been doing strawberry and blueberries a lot recently I thought I'd try a different preparation. Keller has this nice looking Strawberry and Champagne terrine in the French Laundry Cookbook so I thought I'd adapt it to the stuff I had on hand: fresh strawberries and blueberries.

Fruit terrines are fairly simple in theory. Just mash everything to a puree, flavor it correctly with some extra sugar (since it'll be cold in the end), strain so that it's smooth, and then stir gelatin in to it to set it. Gelatin can be used to set any liquid really so the possibilities for dessert terrines are endless.

I ran out of sugar so I used some honey. But the process was as straightforward as the theory: blend the fruits, strain, add sugar, add gelatin, and then set in layers.

That looks pretty good except I didn't have enough blueberries to make multiple layers. So it was mostly strawberry terrine with a hint of blueberries. Lesson 1: proportion. And soon I learned lesson 2:
Oops. Not enough gelatin. I heated up the container with a little hot water on the outside and flopped the terrine on to the plate, whereupon it instantly flopped down like the blob. Need more time to set! Also, in the end, even after setting overnight, there just wasn't enough gelatin. Lesson learned. Still tastes pretty good though. So since I had four more cups of this stuff left, here's my dessert for the past few days:
Yup. Stick some raspberry mocha on top of that and eat the entire gloriously fruity mess. More gelatin next time!

Eclectic Dinner

2007-07-25T18:41:00.001-07:00

After getting back from hiking up and sliding down the Sand Dunes on Sunday, I needed some FOOD. I don't have anything planned so it's time for eclectic dinner with rice!

Kung Pao Chicken: simple Chinese chicken breast chunks start with a bit of rice wine, salt, and maybe a little ginger. Stir fry it up and add ingredients. Here I decided to try a store-bought Kung Pao sauce that ended up being not spicy and mildly salty. Boo. Added some chili sauce to give it some flavor.

Stir Fry Green Beans: This is almost like oil blanching. Get the oil hot, dump in the string beans (cleaned and cut into sections about 4 inches long) and stir fry for a little bit. Dump in a little water and cover so that there's a very quick steam. Stir frequently and after a few minutes when you see that nice deep green color, sprinkle with salt. A couple more flips in the pan and they're ready to serve, all crispy and delicious.

Button Mushrooms with Balasamic glaze: not quite a real balsamic glaze since I don't have time for that. Just sweat some mushrooms in sauteed shallot oil and then add in some sherry and balsamic vinegar and reduce until thick. Mmmmm.

All this and two cups of rice lasted me two dinners. Hmmm...

News Much?

2007-07-25T15:12:00.000-07:00

Google finance has a cool feature where news is labeled on the actual charts so you can see who has written what about a certain stock when. So some company got a bit of good news today. A few articles is to be expected but this is a bit much. Anybody know which company this is? >)

Pommes Sautees au Lard

2007-07-25T01:22:00.000-07:00

I did "Pommes Sautees au Lard" from Bourdain's Les Halles a while back but didn't follow directions to the letter. OK, I basically just fried potato chips in bacon grease. Sounds pretty good right? But that's not Pommes Sautees au Lard so I went and took Bourdain at his word.

It's an easy dish. Cut bacon up into little tiny cubes and then fry them up. Use all that delicious rendered fat to cook slices of yukon gold. Salt to taste, add a little garlic, and sprinkle with parsley. Serve. Simple and delicious.

The only thing to note about this is to mind the bacon to potato ratio. I cut up one too many slices of bacon and the resulting grease ended up much more than was necessary to fry up two sliced Yukon Golds. To be safe, you could spoon out some of the bacon grease first, dump in the potatoes, and then add in the grease as needed.

To balance out the starch with more carbohydrates and protein, I took some left over chicken salad and made a sandwich out of it between pieces of toasted rustic bread.

Well that was easy. Too heavy you say? Yes, perhaps. Too much protein and starch? Maybe. What did I have to drink with this dish? A tall glass of whole milk. Take THAT, food pyramid!

Chocolate Chip Cookies

2007-07-25T01:09:00.000-07:00

I don't bake very much. This is probably due to several reasons. Baking often leads to desserts and I frankly don't have much contact with desserts. They're often very sweet and I don't like sweet things all that much. Yes, yes, I'm a freak because I'm allergic to apples and don't like fruits (nature's candies my butt!) but I'm trying to amend my misguided ways.

Steingarten once noted that since a perfectly satisfactory recipe for perfectly satisfactory chocolate chip cookies can be found right on the back of a bag of Nestle Tollhouse chocolate chips, there should be no excuse for a sub-par chocolate chip cookie anywhere in the country. I would like to agree were my lack of baking experience not in the way. Time to fix that!

It's actually quite easy to bake chocoalte chip cookies. Mix some butter, vanilla, and add in flour, salt, baking soda, white and brown sugar, eggs, and some chocolate chips. Bake for a while. Voila! Of course, I didn't have a mixer to slowly blend the dry powdered stuff into the wet oily stuff until it was smooth. Hmmm, what about my hands? Well:

They actually look like chocolate chip cookies! Not that you can tell from the picture whether they're any good. Truth be told, without a mixer the liquid didn't bind with the solid all that smoothly despite my manual efforts. So when the cookies finished baking, they were OK cookies but not soft chewy melt-in-your-mouth chocolate chip cookies. I may not love desserts (yet) but I still have my fickle preferences. I want chewy cookies dammit!

Perhaps I need one of those beautiful Kitchen Aid Artisan mixers. Ooooh come to daddy. I MUST have one!

That I drool about the mixer more than I do about any potential baked goods made with the help of the mixer is inevitable. At least for now. Maybe if I baked more...

French Dinner

2007-07-20T22:23:00.000-07:00

Big French Dinner because I've been reading Thomas Keller's French Laundry Cookbook too much. The menu:

White Truffle Oil Infused Custard and Sabayon with Chive Chips
Cauliflower Panna Cotta and Bowfin Caviar
Bread, Pate, Cornichons
Moules Marinieres
Wild Mushroom Soup and Crisps
Red Snapper and Sea Scallop with Asparagus
Strawberries and Blue Berries with Lime Sugar

The mushroom soup starts first:
There's the mise. Pretty easy. Sautee the shallots, dump in mushrooms, dump in chicken stock, some parsley, cook, puree, and then add some sherry. Yes, I'm using store bought chicken stock but at least it's organic and it says "free range." I don't have a stock pot and I don't have 10 pounds of chicken bones. Call me lazy.
Mise for the lime confit that'll go with the dessert. Zest from two limes, a bit over 1/2 cup of sugar, and a cup of water. After the water come to the boil and the sugar is dissovled in it, you dump in the zest and get to see and smell something fantastic:
Mmmmmmm. The water turns green right away and you smell a rush of citrus aroma. Excellent stuff. This'll reduce by about half.
With the mushroom soup and lime confit cooking, I try a parmesan chip. Basically, grate some parmesan-reggiano onto a silpat and form into a circle. Bake in the oven at 275 until golden and crispy.
There we go. Parsley goes in. Taking a cue from Keller, I do my best to skim the foam from the top. Could have avoided this step had I started off with clarified butter but oh well. Time to check on the parmesan crisp. Ooooooh:

Yes, that's a delicious piece of crispy cheese there. OK, now let's do a whole bunch:
Silpats are necessary mainly because the crisps come out very fragile, so you need a trustworthy non-stick surface. They'll also come out soft so they can be shaped and molded. But if you're not gentle with them after they harden, they WILL break. Careful.
The mise for the cauliflower panna cotta (except for gelatine). Cook Cauliflower in water, and then reduce cream and blend. Eventually, gelatine goes in and with its help it sets into a custard-like consistency. Hence the panna cotta.
And time to start the chive chips. The mise is simple but the work is time consuming. My mandoline doesn't want to cut uniform width slices, especially not at the paper-thin setting so I had to do all the knife work with my trust Chinese cleaver. A bit difficult. Also, oops, I used a Yukon Gold. No good. They shrink when baked. Need to use russet.
The cauliflower's a cookin' and the chive chips are assembled. Another Silpat brushed with clarified butter will go on top of this. And another cookie sheet as well. This will keep the potato slices pressed to each other until the finish baking.
Meanwhile, the panna cotta is done! Blended, salted to taste, and mixed with gelatine. Goes into the fridge to set. Made a mistake this time around and reduced the cream too much so it's not setting smooth and flat. Ah, but the chive chips are done.
Yeah, they're a little burnt and see how they shrunk? Oh well. Russets next time. And potato burnt with butter and a bit of salt still tastes good.
A happy fridge, but time to go to sleep and restart the cooking the next day. How does a master chef like me organize all this cooking? Uh...yeah...well...
Right. On to making the holders for the custard. Thomas Keller's got an egg cutter. I have a serrated knife with which to make 8 notches on an egg shell and try to break off half of it without killing the entire thing. I gave up after 4 (though I was starting to get the hang of it at the end. See the one in the back? Pretty straight huh?).

The containers made, it's time for the actual custard. Some white truffle oil, some eggs, some cream, some milke, and a blender. Pour in to eggs and bake in a bain-marie. The mise:
When you finish pouring (I couldn't get all of the bubbles out no matter how hard I skimmed), this is what it looks like. Keller suggests putting them in the original egg carton and it's a great tactic. What I'd add is to poke some holes into the side of the carton. When the eggs go in, they form a pretty tight seal with the carton so water doesn't get into it easily, which means air pockets, which means your eggs might start floating around.
Most of the remaining things need to be done a la minute, or at least a la 30 minutes. But the dessert is easily prepped beforehand so time to mix the strawberries, blueberries, and the lime confit:
Yummy! Looks good huh? Let that sit in the fridge and start wondering what to do with my own lunch. I had some small potatoes left from frying up chips (to go with the soup, no pictures, but basically potato slices fried in clarified clarified butter, or in this case lard) so I cut them up and made myself some potatoes and kielbasa. They went with chive scrambled eggs:
After the break, I finished up the pana cotta dish:
Ooooh, look at that. I didn't have oyster juice so I used a little bit of dashi instead. And a big chunk of bowfin caviar. Now, the dinner guests thought this was pretty freaky when they had it since it's cauliflower custard with caviar (which not everyone liked either). I was also a bit ambivalent about it at first but then I liked it a lot at the end, probably because I could taste what it had potential to be. A little bit less reduction of the cream, a little lighter gelatin on top, and better caviar. It looks interesting though. Nice contrast between black and white and salty and sweet. OK, one more thing I can prepare before hand:
Easy and delicious desserts. Just combine the berries and the lime confit, add some sour cream, and decorate to taste. A mint leaf might be a nice accent color but I didn't have any. OK, on to work on the final mise (seen below). The mussles and little necks were washed, the red snapper and scallops washed and dried. Butter, shallots, and parsley for the Moules Marinieres. Bacon bits (with bacon grease saved) chopped up along with bacon grease and flour ready for the red snapper, along with some lime and lemon juice. Also some grated ginger ready to be cooked with some lemon juice to go along with the sea scallop (to be pan seared in bacon grease like the red snapper). So both the snapper and scallop have lemon sauce on them but there's a twist of ginger for the scallop. Asparagus is cut and washed and in the fridge. That's it!
So what else to do?

1) Custard was baked but I screwed up the sabayon. Sabayons require water (I didn't know that) but all I used was truffle oil. Oops. So the yolks just...cooked and then hardened. No good. So the canape turned into just custard and chive chips.

2) Panna Cotta and Caviar was served straight from the fridge (after being warmed to room temp).

3) Pate and cornichons and bread (warm out of the oven!) were served as I started the moules and warmed up the mushroom soup.

4) Moules (and some little neck clams actually) was served along with bread to mop up the mess, as Bourdain would say.

5) A ring of dots of truffle oil surrounded a pan seared fresh chanterelle floated in the middle of the mushroom soup. Also per Bourdain's suggestion. Plated this one a bit early and soup was a bit cold by the time it made it to the table. Was cooking the main course while the soup was being eaten.

6) Pan sear the fish and scallop with another pan for the asparagus. Plate, cook sauce quickly in remaining pan juices, drip over fish, and serve. Then rush to the table and sprinkle bacon bits over plate because you forgot to do it.

7) Bring out the dessert.

Done! Yes, I forgot to take pictures during dinner service but I was, I hope you understand, a bit busy.

More cooking to come.

Pate, Finally!

2007-07-20T21:37:00.001-07:00

Well I guess blogger's got images now though I haven't taken advantage of it much yet. Here goes.

So I had a craving for Pate a while back and I finally went and did something about it.
Duck. They say goose is smoother but I'm not complaining. In fact, for a ready made store-bought Pate, this is quite good. It's a bit expensive at $15 a package but it's very smooth and very good. I don't want to devein real fois myself and there aren't any terrific French restaurants with a Prix Fixe menu with fois appetizer on it around here so this is the best I can do. The best way to eat it?
Some pate, a few slices of rustic bread lightly toasted, and a few cornichons. Oh. My. God. Orgasm in my mouth. I could eat this for lunch every day (and did for a while). Also, when serving others, it's counts as a full course. Easy!
So, why not make a meal out of it. Course 1: Pate, Bread and Cornichons. Then cold wild mushroom soup with an asparagus puree and white truffle oil. That's followed by pan seared tilapia with a lemon sauce and asparagus. And finally:

Bluberries with lime sugar, which is just blueberries tossed with lime juice and lime confit, sprinkled with sugar, and topped with a little sour cream.

I'm happy now.

Charlie Rose is Not a Good Interviewer

2007-07-19T23:46:00.000-07:00

An interviewer who pushes his own agenda by trying to beat the interviewee into a corner is, well, not a good interviewer. Repeatedly interrupting the interviewee and forcing him to a yes or no does what? Nothing really, especially when you, Charlie, refuse to accept your interviewee's point of view. So you end up debating premises, which is a pointless endeavor in any discussion. Christianity versus Catholicism: want to give me an answer to that?

Man, he's really annoying. How is he so popular and famous? I don't get it... And get your facts straight Charlie. If you cite something that is wrong, and your interviewee corrects you, you don't plow on as if it doesn't matter because that was the start of your damn point!

Ford: Stupid Moves

2007-07-19T21:13:00.001-07:00

Ford apparently has the grand doofus of grammar doing their ads:
See it? Of course you do. Oh sorry, you don't? Let me highlight it for you:

I mean seriously. "Go Along Way"??? Typos in blogs and IM chats I understand but official advertising to be released to the masses? You know Ford, some "bold" moves just make you look stupid. You should not be pioneering new and senseless ways to screw up the English language. Stick to cars. And even more offensive, it's not like there isn't space to split up the "A" and the "LONG". Observe:
See, now wasn't that easy? The 31mpg remark even makes sense now.

Next time, we'll talk about that random asterisk placement over the w.

Verbose Lime Confit

2007-07-13T00:37:00.001-07:00

For a self-proclaimed foodie wannabe, I have a surprising intolerance for fruits. Maybe I was a carnivore in a past life. Or a baconvore, that's also possible. That would explain why I can smell the aromas of enlightenment and nirvana in bacon grease but scrunch up my face at most fruits: Christ may have died for our sins but it is surely bacon which will redeem us all when the Dies Irae and Illa descend upon us. I also have another more immediate excuse. I am allergic to quite a few fruits. See? Those candies of nature buggers are out to get me.

So why is a fruit philistine writing about lime confit? Because it's sweet and can be anything from a perfectly light counterpoint to some fruits or a thick sweet sauce you use to temper something tart (for the philistines, of course). Technically you're not supposed to concentrate the confit until it becomes sugar syrup but who doesn't like sugar syrup?

Zest two limes with your preferred tool and be sure to leave out your fingernail and skin shavings. They don't add to the citrus flavor contrary to the advice of most neighborhood cannibals. Dissolve about half a cup of sugar in a cup of water and bring it to a boil. Dump the lime zest in to the sugar water and steam your nose hairs breathing in the wonderful citrus aromas released. You can also poach your eyebrows with your face over the pot watching the liquid turn green but that's optional. Reduce to a simmer and cover partially with a lid. Meanwhile, follows your mom's advice and don't waste that lime juice! Juice your two limes and run it once through a strainer and save it for when you need some sourness in your life. Then wait.

And reduce, reduce, reduce. Normal lime confit: reduce liquid by half, strain out zest, chill and store. Sweet tooth thick sugar syrup with a bit of lime which can't really be called lime confit: reduce liquid by two thirds, strain out zest, chill and store.

The latter preparation is a treat to my palate all by itself, though you wouldn't want to ingest more than half a teaspoonful at a time. It's...what's the word...sweet. Either one can be tossed with fresh berries, maybe a little lime juice, maybe a little undissolved sugar, garnished with a mint leaf, and served with creme fraiche (or sour cream). It's simple, it's delicious, and it even looks good when presented in open stemware like a martini glass.

But if you want to really wow them and give them a transcendent experience, might I suggest adding a little bacon grease?

Damn GUI, Always Crashing My Parties

2007-07-13T00:21:00.001-07:00

Problem: getting a specific executable to run (executable resides on a server) through an ASP page.

Details: The windows scripting host object on a server can create a shell object with which you can run command line commands. The code is straight forward and easy:

Set WshShell = WScript.CreateObject("WScript.Shell")
WshShell.Run YOUR_COMMAND

The problem is that while the Run method works fine on your local machine, it's not so hot when you're trying to fire it off from an ASP page. This is because the user going to the ASP page will not see whatever is going on on the server. But what about a self-contained command line executable? That works fairly well provided there's no GUI.

When there is a GUI, nothing works. This is because the IIS process fires off the executable (successfully too) under its account but then there is no user interaction. The process starts but then just sits there doing nothing. Not so great.

All this works when you run a vbs script locally though because then the application starts and the user (you) can interact with the GUI on its local machine. So, what's the solution?

Solution: Since the GUI problem is not circumventable, we put the onus of action on the user. Stick a VBS file with your WshShell.Run directive (and whatever else you might want to do) on a network drive accessible to your user(s). Then, when you need your executable to do its thing, give a link directly to the vbs file on the network. The user will click on the link, run the vbs file, and then be on his merry way. You can even pop up a

MsgBox("Who's your daddy?!")

when the script is done. You can also pass arguments, conveniently, to the vbs file in your Run directive so a limited amount of information can persist.

Limitations: It's still a hacky work around. Since you're breaking the web-flow of the pages, the user can not be automagically directed to the next page in his web browser.

Don't try this at home: "Ah ha," you might be thinking, "you're not a 1337 h5x0r like 3y3 4M. Why don't you just create a non-GUI exe to call the other exe? For that matter why not just call a bat or vbs file in from WshShell.Run?" That, my grasshopper, doesn't work either, because either way that GUIed up executable is going to run. And when it does, it's still going to hang.

Recap: ASP-->VBS file on network-->executable-->MsgBox-->User goes back to ASP.

Pork Chops and Noodles

2007-07-11T22:20:00.000-07:00

The service was terrible, the decor was absent, and the atmosphere was a perfect shade of crowded cafeteria with too few seats for too many bottoms. But how ingenious of the proprietors! All this time I had never realized the simple truth that a restaurant's capacity could be doubled if one counted both seating and (here's the trick) standing space. One might be forgiven for thinking the little shack of restaurant space was really meant as an aviary given all the vultures hovering over the tables. After ordering my food at the cash register at the front of the shack, I joined the kettle of my scavenging brethren and hovered over my prey. Their four minutes with a bowl of noodles and a fried pork chop were surely coming to an end.

Two hundred forty seconds may seem like a short time to inhale the best MaJian noodles in Shanghai, to say nothing of the glorious pork chops accompanied by Shanghainese spicy soy sauce. And it is. With a grace period of about two minutes, you'll have at most three bucks and change to shovel all of that home cooked goodness into your face. Stomach distension is par for the course and the more enthusiastic patrons routinely pop a few capillaries in their forehead.

This is all fine and good because it is food that wants to be eaten quickly in a burst of culinary delight and, afterwards, gastric distress. It is cafeteria food at its best and most appropriate. The chops are fried crispy so that the spicy soy sauce will not soak through and make the dough soggy. The noodles are solid yet flexible and cling (not stick) to each other only because of the sauce, which is suitably heavy, fragrant, and wears coronary sleeve ornaments. After one mouthful they will sink to the bottom of your stomach and reach the very depths of the pleasure parts of your brain that are triggered when you are beatifically stuffed.

Get in, order, hover for three minutes, eat for five, and leave in a hurry with a big stomach and a huge grin on your face. Who cares about the service, the decor, and the atmosphere?

Food Urge

2007-07-03T12:53:00.000-07:00

The previous entry made me really crave foie gras (any kind dammit!), some nice bread, maybe some pickles. I haven't had decent foie in a while. Man, where's a French bistro around Santa Barbara when you need one.

Mushroom Soup vDifferent

2007-07-03T12:37:00.000-07:00

The basic mushroom soup,

Take lots of butter and sautee some shallots until translucent, dump in sliced mushrooms and sweat for around 7-8 minutes, pour in chicken stock and simmer for an hour, blend, add some sherry (can put in some herbs too) and bring to almost boil, serve,

is really good and really simple. It takes, from beginning to end, about 1:30 hours but 1/3 of the time you're swooning over the smell of sauteed shallots and the other 2/3 of the time the wonderful aroma of cooking mushrooms is running rampant throughout your abode, a good omen I'm told. Bourdain suggests some wild mushrooms thrown in to the mix for a bit more oomph or a dash of truffle oil at the end for pretension. Both work wonders.

Good as this basic recipe is, the soup is sometimes almost TOO mushroomy. As I was smelling the remains of my last batch (what, you don't sniff cooked foods from the fridge just for fun?) of mushroom soup, I wondered what else I could do with it. I had tried mushroom risotto with it with limited success but what if I wanted something else in the soup itself? A splash of color or something...veggie. Ideas to implement:

Peas. The fresh taste of cooked peas.
Pan seared asparagus...sweet, buttery, and slightly salty.
Something squashy.
Baby bok choy, lightly stir-fried flavor of.
Citrus?

Any of the above might will probably need to be pureed and added to the soup for yuppie presentation. I'm thinking an outer ring of mushroom soup, a middle ring of bright green something and an inner core of mushroom soup. The problem is it has to taste good IN the soup, not with it. I think some experimentation is in order...

BotCon 2007

2007-07-02T14:32:00.001-07:00

Where is the Transformers BotCon 2007 being held?

That's right, in Providence, RI!

BOOYA!

Oh wait, I forgot to tell you. I'm "from" Providence.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled inane web browsing.

Sarin Gas

2007-07-02T11:26:00.000-07:00

I first heard about Sarin gas in The Rock. It's a nerve gas that melts your skin off and stops your heart after making you spasm so hard you break your back and puke your own guts out, unless you stab yourself in the heart with a gigantic needle full of atropine. Naturally, I thought hollywood probably exaggerated. But exactly what happens?

This I know: neurons communicate with neurotransmitters and propagate through voltage-gated channels. So propagation, signal travel along a single neuron, happens almost like dominoes. There's a whole bunch of "gates" on the neuron that will flip in polarity. When they do so, they cause the next gate along the line to also "flip", creating a cascade effect. The cascade is started at one end of the neuron and continued to the other end, where there is a bulb (a "bouton"). The bouton will flood the synaptic cleft (the space between the pre and post-synaptic neuron boutons) with neurotransmitters. The flood out into the space and bind to the post-synaptic bouton, which will then start a gate cascade, which will continue the signal. One of several neurotransmitters is called acetylcholine. But of course, you need to control these transmitters too because once they flood the post synaptic bouton, they need to be removed so that the process can start again. There's an enzyme which breaks down acetylcholine and its name is derived from that which it controls, like most enzyme names: acetylcholinesterase.

Oh one more thing, the parasympathetic and the sympathetic nervous system regulates nervous response (often called the fight or flight system). The parasympathetic is the system which is responsible for autonomic functions like breathing and your heart beating.

So, with the help of Wikipedia: Sarin gas, like most (all?) nerve gas, is an acetylcholinsterase inhibitor. This means that when nerves fire, there is no clean up afterwards. The synaptic cleft gets flooded with neurotransmitters. This probably has two consequences: 1) an initial overflow of too many nerve signals and 2) once the synaptic cleft is saturized, no more signals can be transmitted. I'm speculating on 1. Anyway, this happens in various ways for various nerve toxins but that's the general idea. Sarin is an acetylcholinesterase inhibitor, so it needs to be counteracted in two ways.

1) Atropine is a competitive antagonist against certain kinds of acetylcholine receptors, the kinds that are dominant in the parasympathetic nervous system. Suppression of the parasympathetic nervous system kicks your heart into overdrive because it is no longer suppressing heart speed. This counteracts the effects of Sarin, which mutes your entire nervous system, including the sympathetic portion which is responsible for your heart beating at all.

2) Atropine is usually used with Pralidoxime, which binds to certain kinds of (organophospate-)inactivated acetylcholinesterase. Presumably, Sarin inhibits acetylcholinesterase in this way and so Pralidoxime reactivates acetylcholinesterase, leading to the clearing of the synpatic cleft, leading to nerve function again, in this case the rather important sympathetic nervous system.

So Atropine + Pralidoxime works a bit like combining psychotropic drugs: Atropine suppressed the parasympathetic so that it combats the slowing sympathetic system suppressed by Sarin and also so you don't die in the time it takes Pralidoxime to run through your system liberating your acetycholinesterase and therefore bringing the sympathetic nervous system back up to normal levels.

How to set up a wireless router to work with a DSL modem

2007-06-20T00:48:00.000-07:00

Not so much a guide as a subtle problem I had.

Was trying to get wireless router to work at a friend's apartment and nothing I did with the router would get it to connect to the modem, which ran an ADSL line on PPPoE. Eventually I noticed that it was getting an internal IP (192.168.1.100) assigned to it, meaning something else was acting as a DHCP server. A-Ha! Take on Me! Logging on to the modem (a "HuaWei MT800A"), I set the DHCP server to "none" and (this is key) went to the "save" menu and hit "save". Log back on to the router and choose PPPoE and set the logon/password fields and Viola da Gamba, it works!

Asparagus and Fish

2007-06-18T06:52:00.000-07:00

Pan-seared sole in lemon sauce and garlic croutons with a side of grilled asparagus

Best with a light, whitish fish like sole or perhaps rockfish/red snapper. This is also made to degrade nicely: use the best ingredients you have but substitutes won't ruin it.

Ingredients:
Fish filet (Dover Sole in this example)
Flour (Regular all-purpose is fine. If no flour, leave out.)
Salt
Pepper (crushed peppercorns best, black pepper if no peppercorns.)
Butter
Bacon (a few slices, the fattier the better)
Bread ("real" bread is better. White will do in pinch.)
Garlic
Lemon
Asparagus

Equipment:
Oven, cookie sheet, tin foil, range, non-stick pan

Instructions:
Put 3 or 4 slices of bacon into pan with heat on medium-high. Turn occasionally and fry until bacon is crispy. Leave bacon grease in pan. In the meantime...

Cut up bread into little cubes, toss with olive oil. Dice garlic and sprinkle over bread cubes. Put on tinfoil on a cookie sheet and into the oven. Take out when crispy and the smell of garlic starts to waft through the oven.

Lightly dust with salt and peppercorns on both side and then lightly dredge through flour. Put a bit of butter into the still-hot pan and leave heat on medium (take care not to foam and burn the butter too much). Put the fish into the pan and turn the heat to medium-high. Sear fish for about 2 minutes on each side and then took for maybe a couple minutes more if the fish is thick. Take fish out and plate it.

If there is not enough grease left in the pan, put a little butter and melt it. Squeeze the juice of half a lemon and simmer over medium heat for 30-45 seconds. Pour over fish.

Sprinkle crouton over fish and sprinkle remaining garlic bits over plate for a little color. Make bacon bits out of the bacon and also sprinkle on the plate, more on the fish for flavor and over the rest of the plate for color.

Put some more butter into the pan and throw in asparagus, taking care to roll them around so they're coated with grease. Throw in about a tablespoon of water and cover with lid. Cook until water is almost gone or the asparagus takes on a deep green color. Uncover lid and roll asparagus around. Lightly salt. Roll around some more and cook for 1 more minute. Take out and plate with fish.

Enjoy!

Simple Etiquette

2007-05-02T22:28:00.000-07:00

I'm in snob mode again but it still astounds me how so many people do not know the most basic rules of social etiquette or even communication. I'll get emails from students (if you write like this, then yes, I'm definitely antagonizing you and vice versa) that sound like the following.

"yo i dont know how to get to the site."

Now granted I'm not a full fledged professor yet but even as a human being much less a TA I feel like there can be some politeness injected into that rather pithy and inane remark.

Allow me to turn you, my gentle reader, into the witless object of my ire.

1) "yo"? Is that any form of greeting in written communication? I'll give you a hint: the answer rhymes with "yo." A simple "hi" would do.

2) I don't want to sound like Ms. Truss here but my GOD use at least SOME punctuation or capitalization. You're writing to a higher authority so it wouldn't hurt to at least say, if you insist, "Yo. I don't know how to get to the site."

3) Being vague is kinda sorta not good or whatever. "the site," for all I know, could be www.hotmidgetporn.com and I know you know how to get there. No? Just type in "www.hotmidgetporn.com" into your browser address bar.

4) You don't know how to get midget porn. OK, everybody knows how to get midget porn but let's just suppose for a minute that you were a little slow to get on the train. Of hot midget porn. You tell me this fact, which is completely irrelevant to my life, and expect what? Midget Porn? If you want to ask for something, why not try "Could you tell me...?" or "Please tell me...". Saying "I don't know..." leaving it at that is like a child yelling "I've pooped in my pants!" and nobody wants to touch that.

5) Who are you? Why should I help you find "the site" that has been plastered all over the syllabus and on the board of every class for the last 3 weeks? Are you some pervert in my class? In that case you've come to the right place, but couldn't you tell me? Wouldn't it have been so much easier to just write:

"Hi. Could you tell me how to get hot midget porn? --Bob from your Midget Porn class"

I am the TA. I am here to serve you, the student, but I am not your servant. You shouldn't treat your servants like that either. What kind of position would you put them in, asking them for hot midget porn?

Book Impressions: Kafka on the Shore

2007-04-13T21:41:00.000-07:00

Picked this up for an airplane ride since I've heard a lot about Murakami lately and haven't read any of it. Basic impression is that I didn't "get it." The world that Murakami creates is surrealistically interesting but I'm not sure what I am supposed to take away from it. The narrative is halfway compelling and halfway non sequitur. Murakami switches seamlessly from little personal obsessions like Jazz, to plot that seems to point to a greater resolution, to symbolic surrealism, but not in a good way. The obsessions don't seem to contribute to the plot, the plot doesn't move toward a resolution, and the symbols aren't accessible, at least to me. Nevertheless, it was still an interesting read because I've never encountered this kind of narrative before.

letterObject!

2007-03-21T15:11:00.000-07:00

I think companies need to get over naming products a letter followed by a description. Apple is the worst offender, of course, with iMac, iBook, iPod, iPhone, iSight, iTsgettingold. Yeah, it's convenient and the marketing guys are probably all high as a guy smoking the chronic with being able to create instant brand recognition with a single letter but that's so 2005. Google has Google Maps, Google Earth, Google chat, but also GMail. And now they're talking about the GPhone. Next Google will get into the wi-fi hotspot business and you'll be able to browse online at public GSpots. For porn, naturally.

What happened to cumbersome names like the I-just-made-it-up Hitachi XFR 2000 HIFI? Or the Mitsubishi Lancer...Evolution...MR...VIII...FQ...400 (joke shamelessly stolen from the Hamster of Top Gear). I bet more letters will be the retro-cool for the future. I'd totally get a Google Phone Slim Evolution WF XR IX LB-9.5 XTreme v2.

Buy Our Car!

2007-02-24T22:18:00.000-08:00

You know, I wonder why Maserati even goes to the trouble of sending me advertisements by email. I certainly never asked to be on their list (just like I never asked to receive issues of Bassmaster and be an official member) but I am nevertheless. Sure, the new GranTurismo looks nice but, my relative poverty notwithstanding, I'd much rather spend the money on a track car, a comfortable commuter, and some driving lessons. Any Maserati dealership would turn me down for even a test drive ("No sir, you don't look rich enough. Shouldn't you be getting back to the 7-11?") so why do they taunt me so?

Rainy Day Fund

2007-02-01T17:25:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if I like the idea of a "rainy day fund". I'd like to think that I'm on top of my finances enough so that I've already taken into account possible deviations from the norm. I like to build the possibility of rainy days straight in to my financial planning.

Instead, I think I'll start an "AWESOME day fund". That's right. Maybe I'll have a really AWESOME day and I'll want to celebrate. Then I'll go and get some money out of the AWESOME day fund. And since the AWESOME day fund is always optional (unlike the rainy day which may some day become necessary), it can be put into investments aggressively. That way, when I have a good day on the stock market, it'll be an AWESOME day, which will not only be AWESOME, but will increase the amount in my AWESOME fund. AWESOME!

We apologize for the preceding stupidity. --The Management

HPGI and WEXE

2007-02-01T12:08:00.000-08:00

I put a 1.05 limit on HPGI and it started off the next day with 1.06. It never came back down to 1.05 and it's now at 1.73. Oops. Oh well, time for the next hyped stock!

This one seems much less promising but if it's in my inbox, I'll buy it! WEXE.

Bought at: .61
Current: .61
Trailing stop: .06
Commission: -$240

I'm Not Only a Member...

2007-01-29T14:33:00.000-08:00

bosley.com advertisement starts with:

"When it comes to going bald, you now have a choice!"

GREAT! There are other ways to bald now? Artifically? I'm there!

The Power of Spam

2007-01-28T17:04:00.000-08:00

New project: since I started investing, I've been noticing more stock spam in my spam folder. So a challenge came to mind:

How fast can I make (or lose) money following spam stock advice?

The parameters: I start off with $100k and every time I see a stock being pumped by email, I will invest appx. $10k into it. All buy orders while market is closed. To make things a bit more automated, all buys will be immediately tagged with a trailing-stop sell order set at 10%, meaning if something I buy drops by 7.5% it's an automatic sell. I will be using thinkorswim's "PaperMoney" software to do this simulation as it tracks all relevant fees and such. I will also post up the email that leads me to pick each stock. The text in some of this stuff is hilarious and/or disturbing.

The preface: the last stock I saw was PSUD.PK, which was excellent because Google Finance didn't even know about it. After it was pumped, the stock jumped 20% in a day. Hey, not bad for stock manipulation!

Why: My gut feeling of course is that I'll be losing money faster than I can make it, especially counting in brokerage fees. But it will be very interesting to see the trends from when I see a stock spam in my until the sell order goes through.

The First: HPGI. Yahoo Finance doesn't even know what HPGI is but of course the email will tell you. Current price is 1.0440. Limit order for 9500 shares at 1.05 sent.

Brand New Issue!

As close as you get to an IPO on the piinksheeets, HPGI is set to become the
popular kid on the block! This high-flying gold industry company is making it's
debut with a wide reaching publicity campaign that is going to have the
ear of the investment community.

Hemisphere Gold, Inc.
SYM : HPGI
Current Prrice: $1.05
Tarrget Prrice: $2.30

This issue is so tightly held that the combination of big news and the huge
publicity it going to easily push it to the target price!

Get in early on January, 29th and win with HPGI.

Graham said the charge of aggravated manslaughter of a child would be difficult for
prosecutors to prove adding If these men can raise the money to put on a good defense t
o hire the right experts they have an excellent chance of being found not guilty
Bob Pell an attorney who represents former guard Joseph Walsh Jr told The Associated.

Let's see how this one does.

Cramer is Crazy

2007-01-02T18:37:00.000-08:00

I just saw a segment of "Mad Money" with Jim Cramer.

WOW. The man is insane.

I've heard lots about Cramer and so was naturally curious. What I heard was mostly bad though and to support it, Motley Fools's CAPS tracks Jim Cramer's performance history and it hasn't been great, reaching a point total of negative 2000 earlier this year (meaning a cumulative 2000% below the S&P). So why is somebody who's doing so terribly poor in his recommendations getting so many listeners?

I see a segment today and my god Jim Cramer is mad, not the money. He's pretty much screaming at his audience the entire time, offering them lots of generically good but often seemingly useless advice. Yes, you look for improving net profit and increasing revenues is great for young companies but does Cramer really have to scream like Tony Little advertising the Gazelle? Maybe it's just me but I can't trust someone who has completely digital voice modulation skills (and so far, it's been stuck on "1").

Crud Vapors

2006-12-31T18:51:00.000-08:00

While I was on the proverbial can today and as I was being overwhelmed by entirely new and entirely foul gaseous creations by my own behind, I thought that perhaps it was time to turn on the air extraction device installed in most bathrooms for this express purpose. Problem was, I was sitting down and minimizing odor impact by forming a hermetic seal around the now terrible smelling bowl and being able to reach the exhaust fan switch would have required standing up a little and breaking that seal. Need I remind you that seal isn't there for freshness? I relegated myself to finishing my business and chasing it down with some water. After all, I could turn on the exhaust fan when I left, right? But darn, then I'd have to come back to shut it off. At this point, still perched upon my porcelain pot, I thought up of a great idea.

Why can't we wire up exhaust fan with an extra button that, when pushed, would turn the exhaust fan on for 10 minutes and stop. So you hit the button as you enter the temple or you hit it as you exit but either way, the poo gases that are lingering should be well extracted by the time the fan stops. And you don't have to go back and do an unpleasant but necessary olfactoral check of Da Latrine. An exhaust timer should be fairly easy to do. One could even wire it up like those timed lights so that guests can set a time proportionate to their own redolence. We are a civilized society after all, even if we have not yet been able to bio-technologically remove our dependence upon food and defecation.

US Airways Blows

2006-12-26T18:42:00.000-08:00

What should have been a 12 hour red-eye flight from Los Angeles to Las Vegas to Philadelphia to Providence (admittedly already one connection too many) turned into a 26 Los Angeles to Las Vegas to Phoenix to Baltimore to Providence ordeal. I can sympathize with the airlines about a freak blizzard in Denver wreaking havoc across the Western air systems but I do abhor the irresponsible and apathetic attitude which most of the US Airways agents took (except for one America West agent at Las Vegas who went out of her way for nearly an hour to help me figure out a way home by Christmas). Screw you US Airways!

Come to think of it, I did a little checking with Skytrax a while back and there are in fact only TWO four-star airlines in the US and NO five-star airlines. The two that get four stars? JetBlue and Frontier airlines. Neither UAL, nor Delta, nor US Airways, nor American Air, nor any of their bloated companions could even muster up enough motivation to clear up their complection and rise to four stars. Shameful! Even UAL first class now officially 5UX0RZ.

The Vagaries of Fortune

2006-12-11T15:52:00.000-08:00

I don't suppose I should be so inconsistent as to presume this blog outside the influence of my oft-changing interests and obsessions so perhaps I should just blog about whatever it is I'm thinking about at the moment. Oh wait, wasn't that the kind of glorified narcissism that started the blogosphere anyway? Guess I'm going back to roots...if not my own than somebody's. In any case...

Ponderations and contemplatings about the future have made me more proactive about seeking out financial security. Real financial security is a goal for years and years down the road of course but it's never too early to start building capital. But what's a good goal? I'd say $1,000,000 would be a nice sum to hold. It wouldn't make me independently wealthy but it would definitely help support a decent life. OK, so what do I start with?

$2,000.

A pretty paltry sum but let's say you double your money every year. 2^10 = 1024 so you'd have approximately a cool million in about a decade. OK, but who earns 100% on returns every year right? True. How about 50% ever year? That will get you 437 times your original investment in 15 years. Let's say 16-17 gets you a million. 20% every year? That'll take you nearly 40 years.

But nobody is sitting on their butts all this time too. Putting in a few thousand each year will not only give you more savings at the end but increase your investment capital. 5% earnings per year on investment may not be spectacular and it's absolutely pitiful on $1000. You get $50! But on 1,000,000, even 5% represents a respectable sum of $50,000. It's just getting up over $1,000,000 that's difficult.

So my personal progress? Well I lied about that $2k. I actually started with $2k and put in another $1k less than a month later. Still, I started late October 2006 and now it's almost mid December 2006 and where does my account stand? $6k! So doubling in the first year has been achieved! How?

I'm fairly risk tolerant at this point because I'm a young'un and also because I don't have all that much capital to lose. So to maximize the efforts of my research and gains, I've been putting all my money into one stock. Risky, yes, but I also control losses fairly tightly and monitor company performance tightly. BRLC, so far has risen 50+% from the point at which I bought it back in October. OK, so where's the other 50%?

The other 50% almost gave me a heart attack and is not something I will attempt very often. I looked at a promising micro-cap stock that had been growing to absurd levels based on momentum alone. It had been steadily rising for more than week with accelerating gains in PPS and volume. The day before I bought the volume really started to kick in and I thought perhaps the next day it would accelerate even more. Checking up on the thought the next day, I saw it had risen by 20% already. The bounces off temporary drops and volumes all looked good to me so I went for it. By the end of the day, it was up nearly 50% from its open (and a none too shabby 17% from where I bought it). I set a sell trigger for when it dropped to +10% of my investment and waited over night.

The stock opened at at nearly +35% of my initial position the next day and was already halted. Uh oh. The news that eventually was released was basically "We don't know why our stock prices are going up." There was no question the stock was overbought. It was just a matter of when to sell. It didn't take a genius to figure out that the safest position at that point was to just sell as soon as trading resumes. I monitored news and sold a minute or two after trading resumed (caught the downward fall of a huge spike that took it briefly to +60%) for a tidy +40% profit.

Putting all my investment eggs in that one basket is risky for sure but I was set for at least 10% or so after the first day. Risk = reward I suppose. But now that I'm at 6k, I'm eyeing a 50% gain to end up near 9k by late april (half a year from my starting date). It's a rather lofty goal but I have faith in BRLC, especially over the holiday quarter. If BRLC meets its target of 14, I'll be pretty close to that 60% already.

The one downside of all this is that in buying my short term speculative stock (ATA), I missed a 6% jump in BRLC today. I knew something like this might happen soon so I'll just have to offset that with my 40% earnings to come out a bit north of 30%. Still not bad for a few days. As soon as the SEC allows me to trade though it's back in to BRLC I go.

If Only It Were So

2006-11-15T16:21:00.000-08:00

Abercrombie & Fitch is selling a new cologne.

Abercrombie & Fitch Proof

If only the cologne works as its name applies, I'd be order a bottle right away!

Moo!

2006-10-26T00:29:00.000-07:00

Moo.com had a little Skype freebie sale (promo code: freebie) so I created some cards. Since I needed to procrastinate as well, this is what I put on my 10 cards:

I require T.P. for my bunghole.
<>me< /nerd >
High!Way!To!The! DANGER ZONE!!!
Oh. My. God, Becky. (Printed 2 of this one)
I let the dogs out.
No, I am Spartacus!
OMGWTFLOLROTFLCHARIMANOMAO!!!
It’s NAHT a TOOmuh!
7|-|15 15 |_4|\/|3

Evolution Explication

2006-10-20T20:43:00.000-07:00

OK, now that all of Darwin is publically available online, nobody should have an excuse to get ideas about evolution completely wrong (I'm looking at you Curry).

Evolution Confusion

2006-10-19T20:54:00.000-07:00

The theory of evolution as advanced by Charles Darwin is quite an elegant one and there is a reason why it is a very powerful and important concept. That would be, uh, because it's a powerful and important concept. For those who don't find it sacrilegious anyway, it does present a convincing framework for genetic propagation and trends. So my stance is clear: evolution is a good concept!

Partially because it is such a compelling idea, Darwin's idea has gained a pretty wide audience. This is a Good Thing[web cliché]. However, the basis of genetic evolution is often taken at less than face value. For example, just because one generation chooses certain traits to be desirable does not mean that preference will propagate to the next. Certain conditions and often quite a bit of time needs to pass before there will be an overall shift in the genetic trends of a population.

But let's take a real example: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/6057734.stm

I don't know if it's Curry's thesis that is bizarre or the BBC is butchering it but Curry's argument comes across as "because hot people like to choose hot people to sleep with, the future of the human race will split up into hot people and not-hot people." But let's be fair to the beeb/Lamb Saag and look at some of the claims.

"People would become choosier about their sexual partners, causing humanity to divide into sub-species, he added."

I don't know when people have NOT been choosy about their sexual partners. If the argument is that there is a split between the more attractive people selecting people like themselves and an "underclass" that either doesn't or doesn't have the same selection, then it doesn't matter does it? The choosy and privileged have always been choosy and privileged and the less privileged and choose have always been, well, not very choosy. But if this is the case, why hasn't the human race diverged already? Surely even during the dark ages, the more powerful had more choice?

"The descendants of the genetic upper class would be tall, slim, healthy, attractive, intelligent, and creative and a far cry from the "underclass" humans who would have evolved into dim-witted, ugly, squat goblin-like creatures."

OK. Height and a slim body type could arguably be manifestations of a "health" gene, and which also has the side consequence of being deemed "attractive". And at first glance, it would seem reasonable to assume that we as a race would raise those positive qualities. Therefore, humans in the future may very well be taller and healthier given advances in nutrition and medical sciences designed to nurture those qualities but NOT necessarily because of a genetic shift. Also, in order for the dim-witted, ugly, squat goblin-like creatures to appear, there would have to be a genetic mutation that produced that kind of a human and then that strain of human would have to dominate a certain percentage of the population. But wait, aren't people getting choosier about their partners?

"But in the nearer future, humans will evolve in 1,000 years into giants between 6ft and 7ft tall, he predicts, while life-spans will have extended to 120 years, Dr Curry claims."

And life-span has been increasing dramatically over the past couple centuries. Evolution? Really? Who wants to be the person to tell Medical Science that even without their field, we would still live much longer? That's bullshit.

And while we were at it two paragraphs ago, divergent evolution only happens when there are different environmental factors acting on separated populations (whether geographically or otherwise) and unless we start segregating ugly people and pretty people, I don't see how the genetic isolation of either populations could possible occur.

"Physical appearance, driven by indicators of health, youth and fertility, will improve, he says, while men will exhibit symmetrical facial features, look athletic, and have squarer jaws, deeper voices and bigger penises."

Oh come ON. Bigger penises? That is PURELY a psychologically desirable trait, not a physical one. If we were back to the cavemen era and a gene produced small penises but highly fertile sperm, then small penises would win out. There is NOTHING in the current biological context that selects large penises over average or smaller ones.

And while we're on it, how we select our mates is NOT the same as "natural selection". COMPLETELY irrelevant. Natural selection is selection by nature of those traits which are able to procreate more. You have a weird mutation that enables you to survive more and procreate more means you will spread your genetic seed more means natural selection. Liking anorexic girls with big boobs does NOT mean that anorexic girls with big boobs will procreate more. They might have an easier time attracting potential mates, sure, but in modern society that has no correlation to having more kids.

"Racial differences will be ironed out by interbreeding, producing a uniform race of coffee-coloured people."

This is NOT genetic evolution!!! Skin color is not a binary dominant/recessive genetic trait like being able to curl your tongue. Instead, the end result is a mixture. Coffee-coloured people may indeed take over the earth (Go Brown!) but it would not because of a natural selection of the "coffee-coloured skin" genetic code.

"Social skills, such as communicating and interacting with others, could be lost, along with emotions such as love, sympathy, trust and respect. People would become less able to care for others, or perform in teams.
Physically, they would start to appear more juvenile. Chins would recede, as a result of having to chew less on processed food."

AAAAAAARRRGGGGHHH!!! THIS IS NOT GENETIC EVOLUTION GodDAMMit! This is the most superficial reading and confusion of the concept of evolution. We watch TV and work with computers a lot more now, does that mean our eye sight will improve in the future? People don't have to walk as much anymore, does that mean their legs will atrophy? NO fucking NO!

The whole POINT of evolution is that natural selection privileges certain traits because those traits are passed on more frequently than other through procreation. Notice that last part: increased procreation is a necessity of genetic domination.

So, let's look at Curry's argument again. Mankind will split into two. Genetic upper-class and genetic under-class. How do we get there? Hot people choose out hot people, leaving the hoi-ugly-poloi to breed amongst themselves. Now, by its very definition, the upper class is in the statistical minority. That means unless we physically segregate those people and prohibit them from breeding with the lower class, they are already at a genetic disadvantage as far as numbers go.

Is that part about segregation sounding like eugenics to you yet?

But mankind ISN'T segragated into high and low genetic classes. That means the upperclass will have to out-breed the lower class in order to gain the genetic upperhand. Do you see that happening? What are famous people doing? Anglina Jolie? Madonna? Brittney Spears? Far from propagating their own seed, they're ADOPTING others. And Spears, well, you could either argue she's one of the genetic upper-class (*shudder*) who's choosing to mate with a genetic under-class or that she's mating with her own class in which case it doesn't matter much anyway. But no matter how much you dick around with studying social trends of how people choose their partners, it doesn't circumvent the simple fact that being in the genetic upper-class does not mean you procreate more.

Assuming that the BBC reported Curry's theories accurately, what he's doing is basically conflating social selection at the present with natural selection over a broader timeframe. Thin and waif girls may be all the rage now but larger girls were the standard for beauty during the Tang dynasty in China. Had Curry been living then, he would have been WAY ahead of his time in talking about evolution before Darwin came up with it but STILL wrong in predicting that people in the future (within 1,000 years) would all be large and healthy and slightly overweight just because that was what the prevailing norm was then.

So, in the end, evolution can be fruitfully applied to a whole bunch of different contexts but NONE of those should ever be conflated with each other. By proposing these theories, Curry may very well have just written himself into his own genetic under-class: surely the uber-people of the future would be intelligent enough to understand the basics of evolution?

Travesty of Modern Air Travel...

2006-09-28T23:28:00.000-07:00

...or...how I learned to stop worrying and start committing minor fraud against UAL.

I had a personal flight in the middle of a series of business flights a while back and so I decided to use my soon-to-expire 1,000 mile one-way upgrade certificate. Knowing that there would be many restrictions, I called a UAL agent to make sure that the flight I was poised to purchase would be eligible. The agent assured me that the certificate would be eligible and with his once, twice, three-times o' reassurance, I hung up politely and ordered the ticket online to get an extra frequent flyer mileage bonus.

As soon as I ordered the ticket online, I called a UAL agent again and asked them to apply the certificate. No go: I must apply it at the check-in counter. What? But then how can I reserve the upgrade request? You can reserve it by going on stand-by, which the check-in counter will put you in once they receive the request. But how do I request it? By reserving the request. Huh? Can I reserve my upgrade now? No, you must wait for check-in. BUT HOW WILL THEY KNOW THAT I WANT TO UPGRADE?! You must reserve the request! ARGH!

Turns out it was just a communications issue and I can request a reservation upgrade request (and put the ram in the ramalamadingdong) on the phone. I try to do that and am hit with the communicational equivalent of a loud "WRONG ANSWER" buzzer. No go. You need a full fair. But that's what I called earlier to check on! I hate UAL.

So I just go to the airport, check in, and ask for an upgrade at the gate. I'm put on standby and what do you know, right after Seating Section 3, I get a first class ticket for seat 2D. Now, the lesson is, know when to swindle UAL and that is right at the gate, not on the phone.

I should be happy right? Well not quite.

See, until the communist utopia comes (and it's NOT going to be a revolution no matter how hard and fast and cheap the proles want it), I like my bourgeois trappings so burn me at the stake later if necessary but for now, I'll take my Tea, Early Grey, Hot, in my Maybach thank you very much. And I do believe that air travel should be at least comfortable. Failing that spectacularly as most domestic economy class does, First Class, that last bastion of faux-aristocracy and supposed luxury, should remain an unassailable oasis of pampering and service.

Not so with United First (which if truth prevailed should be renamed United Last. ZING!). It might have been a fluke with my flight but no more silverware, no more salt and pepper shakers, no more HOT FOOD. It was a dinner flight for Iron Chef Morimoto's sake and the flight attendant, chipper though he might have been, didn't even know what kind of meat was in the sandwich he was serving which I swear had been brought out of a deep cryogenic stasis in an unsuccessful hurry. The word on the aisles (from passenger 1A) was that it was "smoked turkey upward inflection to indicate uncertainty?". Maybe. I would have understood if they were trying to get me back for using an upgrade ticket when I was not supposed to but EVERYONE in first class on that flight was treated equally[poorly].

One mitigating factor: At least the booze flowed freely. I helped this along by loudly declaring my need to slake my thirst with a White Russian and, upon overhearing me and becoming giddy with glee, 1C and 1D followed suit. No Kahlua but Starbucks coffee liquor did quite fine.

Touching down at my final destination though, I did marvel again, as I always do, the miracle of getting gigantic piece of metal to fly, safely, with people, luggage, and really crappy food on board. It's a trite thought but I always feel a tad inspired when I think about the complexity and immensity of the technology that all works together for a flight. It's really epic. And it is just too bad an experience of such a wonderous event leaves a nasty after taste in my mouth. Maybe it was the weird sauce on the smoked turkey...

Expert Advice

2006-09-14T19:56:00.000-07:00

Starbucks is sued for withdrawing a coupon.

OK, but I like this part:

Legal experts do not think the case has much chance of winning.

This would imply that the lawyer taking on the case is not a legal expert. Riiiight.

Short Running

2006-09-03T00:26:00.000-07:00

So I'm a bit of a running dork. I'm a runner wannabe but I'm not very good at running and it's not my top priority or anything. Still, i know about the different kinds of shoes there are and ailments such as ITBS and Planta Fasciitis. I like to think that I'm a runner and I make the appropriate gestures but, well, the results aren't always fantastic.

And what dork is complete without the outfit? My exercise pants were getting a bit annoying to run in (though I did train for and run a marathon in them so it's not like they're fatal) so I decided to get some real shorts.

Except, well, besides being real shorts they are real short.

I'm looking at this pair of running short and looking for the word "thong" somewhere on the label. Nope. Ah well. At least it's light. But then I notice the size. I'm a skinny lanky Asian guy so I usually wear small everything. Pants? Smallest waist size available please. T-shirt? Small. Shirts? Petite if you have them. And, of course, my running shorts say "S" for the US, the UK, Europe, both Yugo and Slavia, Botswana, and pretty much all countries and regions EXCEPT...

Duh duh duhn: Japan!

I really don't want to jump to conclusions or anything but those running shorts ARE very small. Even I think they're small. But if they are "medium" in Japan. My WORD. That's allI have to say about that.

Move the Stars

2006-08-28T14:36:00.001-07:00

Try this: on a clear night, look up at the stars (you need to be able to fill most of your vision with the black night sky and stars). Look for a bright star like Polaris, the North Star, and focus on it. Don't blink. After a while, you should see only that star. Then what happens?

It moves.

It squiggles, it squirms, it goes up, down, left, right, in loops and all over.

Polaris, which is just light years and light years (and light years) away shouldn't move about like that. If it did, it would be moving faster than the speed of light and at your very whim.

So why does it happen? My theory is that once you focus on one star long enough your eyes start to defocus the rest of the starfield which is already fairly dim anyway. Pretty soon, you might as well have only one point of reference in your entire field of vision. But if that's true, then it's not really a point of reference because it is not related to anything else. You have one dot on a black field that doesn't indicate any kind of position. So your brain and eyes starts to go "huh?" and correctly assume that with so little information, that little dot can be anywhere. 30 degrees up, 50 degrees to the right, wherever. It doesn't know. So as you focus on it, it just kind of wanders around because Lord knows where Polaris is without the others stars to guide you. It can't wander too far away because if you don't focus on it everything else will come back into focus and it'll snap back. And if you do follow it then it will always remain around the approximate center of your vision anyway. Weird.

NostrADAMuS

2006-08-26T14:43:00.000-07:00

John Adams wrote, in September of 1780, that

"England will never more have any honor, excepting now and then that of imitating the Americans. I assure you, Sir, I am not altogether in jest. I see a general inclination after English in France, Spain and Holland, and it may exend throughout Europe. The population and commerce of America will force their language into general use."

The part about the population and especially commerce is rather true, especially now in a globalized economy. What a smart guy he was! That statement is and will be true to a large extent for China too in the near future, and China's got a bit more commerce and population (a billion, give or take) than the US right now. Will the two big languages of the next several decades be Chinese and English? Not the two easiest languages to learn, unfortunately...

Advanced Airbags

2006-08-25T13:27:00.000-07:00

Science Fiction is often more fiction than science, of course, but sometimes even within the fictional universe there are some easily overlooked points. One of the most important inventions in the Star Trek universe (or any future where interstellar travel is possible) is what has often been called an inertial damper. If a ship is going to accelerate to light speed at a moment's notice, everything inside the ship must remain stationary. Otherwise, anything with inertia that is NOT the ship will get smashed as the ship moves forward and objects (humans?) stay still.

So inertial dampers are essential. But inertial dampers are also basically really advanced airbags. If you crash into something, move suddenly, stop suddenly, you won't smack into your own carp/ship. So why doesn't every single starship and craft have emergency inertial dampers linked to its own exclusive power supply? If a ship gets hit or crashes, the emergency dampers activate and nobody gets hurt. Yet no ship in the Star Trek universe seems to have airbags. Everybody gets tossed about the moment a ship is fired upon. WTF?

And of course, no ship makes whiiiiiinevroom noises in space.

Return of the Grammar Nanny

2006-08-24T22:07:00.000-07:00

"The only thing better than less bills is no bills!"

And you know what's better than that? Using the right comparative forms! Yes, grammar nanny is back.

Let's say I have 5 kids (omg, scary) and you have 3. For definite quantities, you should say "fewer". That's right. You have fewer kids than I do.

For indefinite quantities, you can say "less". You are less retarded than I am because you have fewer kids than I do. See? Doesn't that sound nice?

Now let's see what happens when you don't use them correctly: You are fewer retarded than I am because you have less kids than I do. Yes, and if I said that, I would be even greater retarded.

The Life of a Salesman Part II

2006-08-07T23:48:00.000-07:00

They keep on coming!

Got an email about my coffee table today and the buyer wanted to know how delivery option works. My thoughts? I'm not walmart. I don't do delivery. That and my car is way too small to fit my coffee table. So:

Buyer1: Hi, I'm here to look at the coffee table.
Me: Here it is.
Buyer1: *looks around, deliberates, etc.* OK, I'll take it.
Me: I'd help you transport it but my car's really too small. It's impossible.
Buyer2: That's OK, we drove my RV here.
Me: (RV? Whoa.) OK. Let me just wipe it down.
Me: *cleans glass and separate glass from rest of coffee table*
Buyer2: Oh. That's nice. I think it will definitely fit.
Me: Is there something soft in your RV? I don't want to scratch the glass.
Buyer2: No, I think it'll fit.
Me: I have some tissue paper here. Do you want me to tape it to the glass for a bit of protection?
Buyer2: Well I think that will fit in my RV, since I drove it here.

Now at this point I'm thinking this guy must really love his RV. But whatever.

So I offer to help the guys out to their car (I mean RV). They grab the glass and I grab the rest of the table. And you know what, it just fits, with about 2 inches of extra space on each side.

You may wonder, dear reader, how an RV could be so small? Surely a vehicle made to accomodate a person living in it could fit a coffee table with more room to spare than a few inches on each side?

Well, an RV can be rather small if it is a Honda Cf***ingR-V! You can not call a Honda CR-V an RV! There's even a freaking dash between the R and the V! That's like calling the Toyota MR2 plain old "R2", giving Star Wars fanboys everywhere a jolt in the pants ("My R2 has navigational capabilities! Glayven!") but just plain confusing the hell out of everyone else.

And speaking of Star Wars, what's up with Christen Haydensen (spoon!)?! Why did they pick an actor with the emotional range of a lobotomized carrot? First Jake Lloyd and then Hayden. Mark Hamill's acting was nuanced and deep compared to those two. Yeah yeah I'm late by 38 years. This is not the post you are looking for. Old references will do. Move along. Move along.

The Life of a Salesman

2006-08-06T14:39:00.000-07:00

I'm selling a few items on craigslist. Out with the old and redundant and in with the new and all that jazz. Among the items I'm selling are two tables with folding legs. I've moved on to tables with legs that don't fold. How posh.

So a buyer calls to ask about the table. Thanks to him, I realize how hard the life of a salesman can be, if only for a little while.

Buyer: Hi. Is this Wolf Blitzer?
Me: This is he.
Buyer: May I speak to Wolf Blitzer please?
Me: This is Wolf Blitzer.
Buyer: Oh. I'm interested in the folding table you have for sale?
Me: Ah ok. Yes, I actually have two. Which one are you interested in?
Buyer: The table that folds?
Me: Yes. I have two for sale actually. One is a big wo
Buyer: Can you describe them both to me?
Me: (Wouldn't it be easier for you to describe the one you want to me?). Yes. One is a big wooden one and the other is a slightly smaller one with a soft top.
Buyer: How big are they?
Me: (I've written those down on the freaking ad! How big is the one you want?). One is 24x48 and the other 20x48.
Buyer: OK. I think I'll come by to take a look. What's your address?
Me: *gives address* When are you thinking of coming to take a look?
Buyer: Today, probably.
Me: ...
Me: Uh...can you give me a time today? I may be going out later.
Buyer: Oh...OK, how about in half an hour?
Me: That would be great. Thanks.
Buyer: Bye.

*2 minutes later*
Buyer: Hi, may I speak to Wolf Blitzer?
Me: This is he.
Buyer: Is Wolf Blitzer there?
Me: This is Wolf Blitzer!
Buyer: Oh, I had another question.
Me: Sure.
Buyer: Will the table fit in my car?
Me: ...
Me: (maybe he's getting another thought out?) ... (guess not)
Me: I have no idea. I don't really know what kind of a car you have.
Buyer: It's a normal car.
Me: (Thank you Mr. Useful Information) Well what kind of a car is it?
Buyer: It's a Toyota.
Me: ...
Buyer: A normal Toyota.
Me: ...
Me: Uhm...a Toyota what.
Buyer: A Toyota Camry.
Me: Hmmm, I don't really know. But I've given you the measurments of the table...
Buyer: Oh OK, I'll go measure it first then?
Me: Yes, I think that would be a good idea.
Buyer: Bye.

Lord. Communication shouldn't be this difficult when two people are using the same language.

Oh, and my name isn't really Wolf Blitzer. But man, what a cool name. Wolf! Blitzer! It's almost some kind of wolf-reindeer animal party in that name, with the first name eyeing up that sappy last name and thinking it'd go down real well for dinner.

Army of Chodes

2006-08-03T20:42:00.000-07:00

For anyone who has seen the recent U.S. Army commercials that portray former (or even current) members of the army interacting in civilian contexts: what is up?

There's this one commercial where a guy comes back to chat with his friends. They ask him what he's doing and he says he's "working with computers." His friends ask him "couldn't you have done that here?" The screen flashes to him "working with computers" in the field. And then it flashes back to him with this condescending expression and then he just says "no." What, he's too good for his friends now to explain what he means by "working with computers"?

There's another one that also involves the army person giving a one-word answer in a condescending tone in relation to how he's worked on helicopters before. The basic point here is: why is everyone from the army a total dick? If they all act like that, it's no wonder it's an "army of one."

My Butt Can't be Trusted

2006-08-02T13:13:00.000-07:00

Every time I see or hear about people complaining about the unreliability of Wikipedia, it really gets on my nerves. The reason is because usually these people are complaining about common sense. It is true that Wikipedia is not the most reliable source of information (what is?). It is true that there can be editorial content on some of the pages.

So?

First of all, since when does one go to an encyclopedia to look up information about dynamic information such as current political events and then somehow expect it to give an impartial opinon? And since when have single-author texts been guaranteed to be less opinionated? Wikipedia's paradigm of presenting information is, after all, loosely based on the goal and format of an encylopedia: it gives you basic summary information. You're not supposed to trust it with your life and soul.

And for people who complain about how anonymous and open submission leads to false information: yes. It can. It can also lead to all the entries which make Wikipedia more useful than any static encyclopedia. There's really no other source of information that can give you a basic summary of everything from tensor analysis to season 7 episode 3 of The Simpsons. Nothing is perfect and it's anyone's perogative to condemn a tool if it has imperfections but I'd rather use Wikipedia with all its imperfections than not.

And on the matter of information being trustworthy in Wikipedia: most of it is. There may be mistakes in the in-depth details but the general gist of articles on things like the hydrogen atom or Venture Brothers are correct. An article on Kerry or Bush or the Israel-Lebanon may not be, but then what source would one trust for such subjects? Sure, you never "know" if an article is really trusted or right but, again, how would you "know" even for an article written by an expert? What guarantees that an "expert" will give useful or objectively tenable information (something the news networks want you to believe so that they can displace responsiblity)? It's really very constructive to point out Wikipedia's problems but it is less than useful to argue about its shortcomings against an impossible ideal of "objective truth".

Snobbish Tendencies

2006-07-29T01:22:00.000-07:00

At some point, I think, everyone becomes some sort of a "snob" of certain things. It's only natural. You start off consuming along with the hoi poloi but eventually you'll be exposed to something rather eloquent, rather good, rather above the standards of the peasant hordes. "Wow," you think, "this is way better."

So it was with the Hitching Post Pinot Noir "Cork Dancer" tonight.

OH. MY. BRAHMA.

And I used to think the Clos du Bois Pinot was quite decent. Well it still is but the HP is just so delicious, so drinkable, so smooth, so refined ... it's what a pinot should taste like and it's the understandable reason why people would want to chug a whole bottle of wine. There's getting durnk accidentally and getting drunk purposefully. For the latter, any cheap old wine will do. For the former, the HP Dork Dancer is a perfect candidate. You'll never want to stop drinking it...