Monday, April 03, 2006

Go for the High Score!

The past week has been both uneventful and...not. It was spring break here in It's No Tits land (It's manboobs!) and I was busy doing a lot of nothing. I also had a house guest here, J. J's a friend of A and that really doesn't mean anything to anyone. In any case, J was here for work during her vacation and I was busy working on my vacation. When we weren't occupied with our respective dominant activities though, we managed to do quite a bit in this sleepy little town of mine.

One of the most disgusting things we did, then, is the inspiration for this post. I'm a guy after all and I loves dem a good disgustin'.

I've been trying to be a good host to J by cooking a lot and suggesting good restaurants where we might go to fill our (probably)small but hyperactive stomachs as J seems to share, at least partially, my fairly high metabolism and capacity for eating too much. J's flight out was tonight and we didn't have much time for dinner so, naturally, we vaclilated for an hour. The requirements for our dining establishment of choice came down to two factors: the place needed to serve food fairly quickly and they needed to have good milkshakes. Preferably, their milkshakes would bring at least some of the boys to the yard, in which they would be like, it's better than yours.

So what do we pick? Yup. Carl's Jr..

In short, it's a burger joint, but they focus more on burgers than say the clown purveyor or the monarch of the burgers. They have six dollars burgers (100% Angus beef as opposed to 100% mysterious "all-beef patty"), jalapeno (tilda implied) burgers, and burgers with two patties, two slices of cheese, two slices of bacon, and two onion rings smothered in Big, Bad, Questionable sauce. Now if at this point, my tender, juicy, and medium-rare reader, you think that the victuals offered at this here fine dinin' establishment seems slightly on the atherosclerosis side of healthy, you would be dead on.

But "fear not!", says an anthropomorphized Carl's Jr., "we provide nutritional information so you can plan out the slow demise of your cardiovascular system." Great. But there's one problem. I get competitive sometimes and assigning quantitative values to the amount of unhealthiness I'm ingesting just makes it all that much easier to compete for the title. Observe:

EVIL. Try it and you'll see. It tell you exactly how many calories (and fats, carbohydrates, et celery) each item is and it adds it all up for you. A Double Western is 920 calories (good from) but a six dollar bacon cheeseburger, J's choice, is 1010 calories (oooh and she nails the landing!). Not to be outdone by the vagaries of our decimal system, I figured I'd eat at least 2000 calories. And since a Double Western is 920 and so is Chili Fries, together they already break 1800. Add a shake and you're north of 2500! Oh but that's so close to 3000! So, on a whim, I bought the 99cents spicy chicken sandwhich. 480 calories! Whoo hoo! I got a high score of 3110 calories for one meal.

Three Thousand One Hundred Ten.
Drei Tausend Ein Hundert Zehn.
Trois Milles Cent Dix.
三千百十(this one's in Japanese in case you couldn't tell).

Care to try and beat my record? >)