Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Where do you get it?

Ever notice how there are things which you know exist and which you know are used by a lot of people but have absolutely no idea how to get? An item which everybody knows about and perhaps some even use but you just can't find it anywhere? I've got one for you: Kerosene.

There are kerosene heaters, even kerosene lamps and I can get those at Home Depot. Great, so one would think Home Depot might have kerosene. Nope.

OK then, since kerosene is a liquid fuel that is much safer and less volatile than some other readily available fuels (like gasoline or even Coleman fuel), perhaps could conceivably use it for camping? Maybe a sporting goods store with a camping section will have it. SportsMart: Yes on the Coleman, but no on the kerosene.

Well maybe a pharamacy/general store like RiteAid will have it. Ask an attendant: yes! They have kerosene! Alright! Right down here aaaaand oh wait that's Coleman. Note to self: cheaper than SportsMart.

Alright, last ditch effort, let's go to the supermarket.
Me: "Do you know if you sell any kerosene?"
Attendant: "Sorry, what?"
Me: "Do you know if you sell any kerosene?"
Attendant: "I don't know..uh..."
Me: "Or just the section where kerosene would be in...?"
Attendant: "Oh, I uh, I don't know what that is. What did you say?"
Me: "Kerosene."
Attendant: "Clariseen? What is that?"
Me: "Oh it's a kind of liquid fuel."
Attendant: "Is it like lighter fluid? We have those in aisle 6..."
Me: "No, it's not lighter fluid actually. It's's kerosene..."
Attendant: "OK, let me call somebody and ask. *dials phone* Hey do you know if we carry any claritin"
Me: "kerosene"
Attendant: "...uh...klarosene"
Me: "kerosene(!!!)"
Attendant: "oh, uh...kerosene? Yeah? OK."
Me: "Oh, and if you don't, could you please ask where I might be able to get some?"
Attendant: "Oh we have it. It's right down aisle 6."
Me: "OK thanks! *runs down aisle 6* *comes back* This...this is lighter fluid."
Attendant: "Oh...yeah, I don't know."
Attendant: "Are you stepping? What do you need kerosene for anyway?"
Me: "It's none of your business! You want to take this outside?"
Attendant: "Hell yeah! I'll wait, what? what are you doing? Stop squirting lighter fluid on me! Is that a match? Get a way from me with that match you fraaagggghhhhh!!!!! I'm on fire!!!!"
Me: "That's what I needed it for but I guess lighter fluid will do."

So where was I? Oh right! Kerosene. Where does one buy kerosene? And really, I want kerosene for fire spinning purposes, not for whimsical immolation though it's not like the latter doesn't appeal to me a great deal.

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